


I Wanna Get Better

by BlueTrekSkates



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: AUTHOR AU, Agoraphobia, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Anxious Victor, But I swear it's important to the story, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Light Angst, M/M, Makka is dead, Panic Attack, Self Harm, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Strangers to Lovers, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Attempt (past), Therapy, Vicchan Lives, musician au, reverse au, slight PTSD, suicidal thoughs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-02 15:37:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 35,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13321257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueTrekSkates/pseuds/BlueTrekSkates
Summary: On the outside looking in has always been the way that people describe the feeling of loneliness. Isolation. It is the feeling of being a social outcast. But for Victor it was a comfort.On the outside looking in he was safe. Secure. No harm could reach him there.But when his next door neighbor comes knocking, his whole world would be flipped on his head.This is the story of Victor learning to live life to the fullest with the help of someone new.





	1. A Day in the Life of Victor Nikiforov

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I am really excited for this fic! I have been planning this for months and have just finished the first chapter. I hope you enjoy <3

It was Monday. 8 A.M. The incessant beep of his alarm clock forced Victor out of his sleep. Groaning he shot his hand out of the warm covers and into the exposed cool air of the room to stop the annoying sound. He fumbled a bit with his phone, poking the screen blindly in an attempt to turn it off. Once he finally succeeded he turned over so that he was staring at the ceiling of his bedroom.

In the hazy light of the winter morning, he could feel the edges of darkness threaten to take their hold on him. It’d be easy enough to just lay there all day. No one would know. No one would come and check. They’d stopped doing that a long time ago. He closed his eyes as the weight of the darkness settled on his chest.

Just as he was about to accept it, the beeping shrilled out again. This time he shot up in his bed. For once he was grateful that he had hit snooze. If he hadn’t the whole day would have been a wash. 

With an annoyed grunt, Victor stretched his arms over his head to dispel the sleep from his bones. His shoulders cracked from sleeping with his arm curled under his pillow all night and he groaned as the bone clicked out the pressure. Throwing his arms down out of the stretch, he bounced up to the balls of his feet and began his day.

Every day with Victor started out the same. As soon as he got up he would make his bed to perfection before heading into his bathroom to start his morning ritual. He connected his phone to his Bluetooth speaker and promptly blasted his get ready playlist as he walked into the bathroom. He tried not to wince when he turned on the light to see his own face in the mirror. His hair was a mess. Not only did it stick up in every direction from bed head, but his once short hairstyle had grown out into an awful mullet. But there was nothing he could do about it. So, with a resigned sigh, he brushed his teeth and took a long shower to wake himself up.

Once he was done in the shower he dried his hair in a sorry attempt to tame the mess on top of his head. He wished he could just get a haircut like a normal person. But even looking at a pair of scissors sent him into a spiraling panic. He had thrown out all of his scissors after the last time. Letting out a frustrated sigh, he hastily threw on a headband to keep it out of his face at the very least.

Now finished with his morning routine, he went to make a lazy bowl of cereal before getting to work. Unfortunately, as he poured it out, he realized that was the last in the box. “Damn it,” he mumbled to himself. He made a quick note on his grocery list before heading over to his window seat to finish the crumbly remnants.

Looking out the window was always a weird experience for him. There was this strange rush from it. Realistically he knew he could never go outside; there were too many dangers. Too many risks. But, still, he found a strange fascination from people watching.

He would often make stories for the people he saw. Like right now. A woman was dragging her two little girls behind her while talking on her phone. He imagined he was taking them to their grandma’s house so that she could go to work as a ballet instructor at the local university. Being a single mother is hard, after all.

Or perhaps the old man sitting at the bus stop across the street. “Hmmm,” he hummed out loud to no one in particular. “I believe your name is Howard. And you are on your way to the bookstore that you frequent every day.” He smiled, spooning more of the soggy fruity mush into his mouth.

But there was one face he always looked for. The mystery man. He didn’t know his name. Didn’t know how old he was. Hell, he didn’t know what he did for a living. But this man must live in his apartment complex because he saw him every day. 

He rarely saw him in the mornings; he must have an office job that forced him to leave early. Still, that didn’t stop Victor from looking for him. Always hoping he’d get a glimpse of his beautifully disheveled hair. 

Just as he was about to give up looking, Victor saw him. He must have been running late as Victor saw him running from the building looking frazzled.

Victor gave a dreamy sigh as he watched the man’s retreating form. He was of an average height. Most days his black hair was naturally messy; the kind of look that most people wish they could achieve but he seemed to do it naturally. He wore glasses that Victor only cursed because it meant he couldn’t see his eyes from this distance. On evenings where he met his darker skinned friend, he would switch his look all together. Ditching the messy mop and glasses for slicked back hair and contacts.

He would dream of this mystery man magically coming to his apartment and filling his dull life with color. Not for the first time, he wished he could approach the man, but he had no clue how that would even be done. He could barely open his door to get his groceries, let alone search the halls for a stranger. Even if by some miracle the man did show up at his door, what would he say? ‘Hi, I creep on you every day as you come home from work?’ Victor might not have talked to anyone in a while, but he was sure that was a sure fire way to get a restraining order and not a date.

With a sigh, he considered the soggy mess in his bowl a lost cause and got up from his perch to clean up his breakfast. He danced around the apartment as he cleaned up his morning rituals. This was his home. He wanted it to keep it clean. Some may call it over attentive, but he had been living his life how he pleased up to this point and he was perfectly happy with it. There was no need for him to stop now.

Turning off the music, Victor turned to his desk and began his work for the day. He checked his email to see how the flow of his old band’s royalties was coming. Once he was satisfied his checks were still in order, he went to his commission email. 

In his old band, Chris and Victor were the centers of their creative force. Chris would provide the music while Victor would write the lyrics. He always had a way with words. Originally, he had plans to go to college for English writing before they formed their band. But now that Victor was homebound, he couldn’t perform anymore.

Instead, he wrote lyrics for other people’s music. He wasn’t a big name in the field; not yet at least. But he still made enough to get by and save for when his royalties ran out.

When he was done working on his latest commission he moved onto his next passion project: his book.

He had never let anyone read this, and he probably never would. He had been working on it for the past three years. It was nothing much, but still, it was his baby.

He loved writing. Loved bringing his characters to life on the page. Often when he sat at his window and watched the people go by, he imagined they were characters in his book. 

After all, that’s what all people are. A book with a story waiting to be told.

But his never would. He had no clue how the publishing process worked. And it wasn’t like he knew anyone whom he could ask.

Instead, he settled on constantly adding to his google doc. Hoping one day his story would be told.

After a few hours of writing the telltale grumble of his stomach signified he had forgotten about eating again. Looking at the clock he cursed at himself. It was now three in the afternoon and he had forgotten all about lunch. Now the schedule for the rest of his day would be off.

He settled on some salad for a light lunch to hold him over until dinner. He slowly ate his greens as he mind-numbingly scrolled through his social media. Chris had posted a picture with his beau Matthieu. His cousin Yuri snapped a picture of Victor’s old agent with a cat filter; he liked that one. But overall, nothing groundbreaking was happening.

That was until he heard a knock at his door.

Victor’s heart immediately jumped into his throat. His stomach curdled the leaves he just ate. He didn’t have a delivery scheduled for today. No one should be there. Who would want him? His breath became short. Quickening in fear of the sudden presence that stood just outside his door. He was safe here. He had to be. No one could hurt him in his own home. This wasn’t supposed to happen here. Not now.

He was frozen with fear, not making a move to answer the door. But then he thought about his dull day to day. Maybe there was hope beyond the door. Something to break up the endless monotony of loneliness. It wasn’t likely, but he had to let himself hope. He took in a calming breath as he walked over to the door. Using the peephole, he looked to see who was there.

It was him

His knight in shining armor.

The mystery man from outside.

Before he could stop himself he squeaked out a little, “Hello?” He immediately cringed at how pathetic he sounded. ‘Great Nikiforov. The first impression he has is that a prepubescent mouse lives here.’

“Oh good! You’re home. I was almost worried there for a second.” God his voice was beautiful, even muffled by the door.

“H-how can I h-help you?” Victor stuttered, his voice dropping into its normal register.

He saw the warped image of the man holding a strange bundle of paper together. “I live across the hall from you?” He ended in a question as if to ask if he had seen him before. 

Oh, Victor had seen alright; he just didn’t know that the handsome man was so close.

When he received no reply the man continued on. “Anyway, some of your mail got mixed in with mine. And I went down to go put it in your mailbox. But it was full…” Dumbstruck, he still couldn’t bring himself to respond. “So anyway… I went to go slip it under your door but the landlady stopped me and asked if I could just drop it all off.”

So that explained the weirdly shaped paper in his hand. It was all of his mail for the past month. 

Victor’s breath caught as he realized what that meant. He would have to open his door to this stranger. He wasn’t ready to do this. He couldn’t do this. He-

Stopped himself in the middle of his thought. Hadn’t he just been thinking how he wished the man would come and sweep him away? Well, here he was. All he had to do now was-

Open the door.

The door that protected him. 

That kept him safe.

Cracked.

He cracked open the door as far as the chain link would allow. With a shy glance, he stuck his face in the small opening to look at the man with the olive branch. Victor saw his eyes widen in shock. From what he couldn’t tell. But then the man’s face formed a soft smile. As he handed the package. “Here you go,” he said as he went to hand the letters to Victor.

But there was one problem.

It didn’t fit through the crack.

At first, Victor began to panic, but then he realized what this was.

An opportunity.

“H-hang on. I’ll o-o-open the door.” He stuttered. What he was about to do was rash. It was absolutely crazy. But he had nothing to lose.

He released the chainlink and opened the door fully to face the man head-on. With a deep breath, he extended an arm and said, “Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?”

That seemed to stop the man for a moment. But the hesitation was short lived. He quickly recovered and stepped inside with a small nod.

Victor started the water for tea. Anything to busy his shaking hands. 

“Did you want me to set these on the table?” The man asked shyly. 

“Oh anywhere’s fine,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. Once the water was to boil he had no further excuse to hide his face. He slowly turned to face the man with what must be the strangest mix of terror and hope written on his face.

They stood in an awkward silence for a minute.

Silence.

So awkward.

So very, very awkward.

Victor was the one to break it. He was too used to silence in his home. Now that someone else was there, he couldn’t stand it for one more second. “Thank you,” was his first stutter free sentence to the man. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I caught your name.”

The man had an immediate blush rush up to his cheeks as he waved his hands in a flustered way. “Oh, I am so sorry. Where are my manners? I’m Yuuri. Yuuri Katsuki.”

“Viktor. Viktor Nikiforov.”

The silence fell again, only this time not as awkward. More hesitant. Each man waiting for the other to make a move. The whistle of the kettle broke through, forcing Viktor to go back and finish their tea. “So,” he said with his back turned to Yuuri. “How long have you lived across the hall?” He turned back towards the man and handed him a piping hot mug of tea.

Yuuri smiled and nodded in thanks as he accepted it. At Victor’s insistence, he sat at the table. “It’ll be a year this April. How about you? I don’t think I’ve seen you in the neighborhood before.”

Victor nervously fidgeted with the chain of his tea steeper as he responded. “I’ve lived here for around five years now.”

“Really?” Yuuri’s eyes widened in shock at Victor’s timeline. “Huh. I wonder why I haven’t seen you before.”

Viktor gave a small shrug and spoke into his mug; trying to hide his shame behind the steam that rose from his beverage. “I-I don’t really get out much.”

“That’s fair.” Victor looked up at him with a bit of shock on his face. Yuuri didn’t seem disgusted that he never got out. But before he could get a word out, Yuuri continued. “When I was in college I never got out much either. I used to think that people can be so scary.”

Victor nodded fervently. “Exactly! I agree.” It was so refreshing to meet someone who understood him for once, rather than judging him for his fear.

The look on Yuuri’s face morphed into one of careful concern. “Yeah well, this is a big city. I can see how it could be intimidating.”

Just as Victor was about to continue their conversation further, a shrill ringing from Yuuri’s pocket interrupted him. He took out the phone and winced at whoever was calling. “I am so sorry Victor. I really have to take this.” He stood and chugged down the rest of his tea. “Thank you so much for the tea. I wish I had time to actually enjoy it.”

“I’m just glad you were the one to drop off my letters,” Victor said without even thinking. He stiffened up in fear at the mean remarks that were bound to come from the man. 

But instead, he simply smiled the softest smile as he left. Before he shut the door behind him, Yuuri whipped around with blush on his cheeks and said, “Feel free to come by anytime. That way I can return the favor.” He paused briefly. “Or… If you just need a friend. I’m just across the hall.”

“The same to you.”

And with that, the door shut. Leaving Victor alone in his quiet and lonely apartment. But even so, there was a lingering buzz of excitement running through him.

Finally, his knight in shining armor had come.


	2. A Day in the Life of Yuuri Katsuki

Yuuri hated Mondays with a passion. And Sundays. Sundays were the Mondays of the weekend in his opinion.

But back to the point of Mondays and why they were the worst. No one wanted to actually go to work on Mondays. Don’t get him wrong, he loved his job. It was a dream to be working at Cialdini Publishing. He discovered new gems every day. Well, he discovered new gems after reading piles of trash, but still. 

On Mondays, he was always greeted with a desk full of manuscripts for the week. Under that would be paperwork, old and new, that demanded his attention. 

So sue him if he hit the snooze button one too many times that morning.

When his alarm went off for the fifth time, he knew he absolutely needed to wake up or risk the wrath of Monday morning Caio Caio. 

He picked up his phone to look at the time and groaned at how late he had slept. ‘Great,’ he thought. ‘No breakfast for me’.

He squinted at his phone and saw he had a missed call. He slapped his hand around his bedside table until he hit his glasses and promptly shoved them on his face. His heart sank as he saw who it was. 

His dog sitter.

Vicchan was still a puppy. He had a puppy’s energy and needed that constant attention that he just couldn’t give while at work. That’s why he had a dog sitter in the first place. So he could rely on the fact that his dog wouldn’t be left alone and miserable for the whole day.

But there was a voicemail along with the missed call, which could only mean one thing; his dog sitter canceled.

He listened to the message and was proven correct. 

“Fuck. Fuck! FUCK!” He chanted as he sprung out of bed. He didn’t know where the nearest doggy daycare was and he was running too late to find out. There was no way he could crate him because the crate was in his storage unit. So he was left throwing puppy pads all over his apartment and hoping for the best.

Of course, Vicchan thought this was his human’s new way of playing with him and simply nipped playfully at Yuuri’s heels. 

Once the apartment was sufficiently padded, he ran back into his room to get dressed. He was shoving his feet in his shoes as he stumbled out the front door.

Did Yuuri mention he hated Mondays?

***  
As a whole, his day sucked. He got his ass handed to him by Ciao Ciao for being late. He worked through lunch to make up for lost time, so he was starving. And he couldn’t even remedy that because his dinner plans with Phichit had been canceled. 

If Yuuri slammed his mailbox a little forcefully, he couldn’t be blamed for it.

He sank against his door with a groan as soon as he stepped foot in his apartment. He was immediately greeted by a little ball of brown fluff at his feet.

“Why hello Vicchan! Were you a good boy today?” The dog yipped in response, licking his owner’s face.

Yuuri looked around to see that while Vicchan did, in fact, go to the bathroom while he was gone, he did so solely on the puppy pads. “Oh thank god,” he sighed as he began to go through his mail.

Bills, bills, spam. Yuuri didn’t want any of this. Except… wait. Yuuri paused in his sorting when he came across a name that wasn’t his. “God damn it,” he mumbled as he turned to leave his apartment again. “I’ll be right back Vicchan.”

To top everything off he had some random person’s mail mixed in with his. It wasn’t the first time it had happened, but it was just the cherry on top to his already shitty day.

And of course, once he reached the mailbox he needed, he was met with another obstacle to his terror of a Monday finally being over. When he went to put the mail in the slot, he was met with the resistance of all the previous mail that had been shoved in.

He was ready to just crawl back into bed and pretend today never happened. 

He started to steadily knock his head against the wall. This was so dumb. Why couldn’t today just get over with? He was still hitting his head when he was stopped by his landlady, Mrs. Finks.

Mrs. Finks was the ideal picture of everyone’s grandmother wrapped up into one. She came up to Yuuri’s shoulder and could always be spotted in some different form of bright fuzzy cardigans. All of which were most likely handmade.

“Hello Mrs. Finks,” Yuuri waved with a smile. As angry as he might be at the world, he could never for one moment hold a grudge against this sweet woman.

“Oh hello, Yuuri. Getting your mail I see?”

“Actually, no. This was put in my box by accident. I went to put it in the right box, but it’s full.”

“Ah,” she nodded with a knowing smile. “That must be Victor’s mail. This is perfect timing. I was just about to go run all of this up to him.” As she spoke she used her master key and took all of the mail out of the box. Once she banded it with a rubber band she handed it to Yuuri and asked, “Yuuri, would you be a dear and run this up to him for me?”

With a stifled sigh and a nod, he grabbed the pile from her. “Sure thing.” Once he had the package in hand he turned to go back to his floor.

Before he entered the elevator Mrs. Finks called out to him. “And Yuuri?”

“Yes, Mrs. Finks?”

“Be kind to him. He’s a gentle soul, that one.”

Yuuri couldn’t help the confused look on his face as the elevator doors closed. What sort of gentle soul leaves all of their mail for the sweet landlady to pick up? But, he would heed her wishes and not give him an earful.

Let’s be real here, he wasn’t going to give anyone an earful. He’s Yuuri Katsuki, the least confrontational person on the planet.

When he reached the room that was on the letter he was shocked to realize that it was actually the apartment across from his. Part of him was tempted to just knock and leave the letters in front of his door. But the other part was intrigued. 

Yuuri thought that the apartment across from him was uninhabited. He never saw anyone come or go from it. He never heard loud music, or really any signs of life from within. But this was definitely the address on the envelope.

Taking a deep breath Yuuri raised his fist and knocked.

And waited.

And waited.

He was just about to knock again when he heard a small, muffled squeak of a “Hello” from behind the door.

Yuuri perked up at the sound of life from beyond the door. “Oh good! You’re home. I was almost worried there for a second.” 

“H-how can I h-help you?” Yuuri heard the voice stutter from the other side of the door, only this time the pitch sounded more human.

Yuuri saw the eye hole in the door and held up the bundle he was sent to deliver. “I live across the hall from you?” He ended in a question as if to ask if he had seen him before. 

After a pregnant pause, Yuuri continued on, awkwardly monologuing to the door. “Anyway, some of your mail got mixed in with mine. I went down to go put it in your mailbox but it was full…” Again no response. “So anyway… I went to go slip it under your door but the landlady stopped me and asked if I could just drop it all off.”

As he finished his story there was no response. Yuuri was at the end of his rope. He could barely deal with his Monday, let alone deal with some random person who wasn’t going to give him the time of day.

But just as he was about to call it quits and throw the letters at the door, it cracked. And from within the apartment, Yuuri could see a face.

The cutest face he had ever seen.

It was as if all time had stopped in that little sliver of a door opening. 

The eye that he could see was crystal blue. His hair was a wispy soft silver. His skin, a shade darker than freshly fallen snow. If Yuuri didn’t know any better, he would say he was face to face with some Nordic fairy.

But no. This person was very real. And very much waiting for his mail.

Yuuri nervously lifted the bundle and moved to push it through the gap. “Here you go,” he said, trying to push the letters through the crack.

But the crack was too small.

“H-hang on. I’ll o-o-open the door,” the man stuttered again before closing the door briefly. Yuuri could hear the jingling of the chain link being released.

When the door finally swung open fully Yuuri’s brain short-circuited again. This man was a vision of domestic glory. His soft silver hair was pushed back by a headband and cascaded down his shoulders. He wore a well-loved sweater that hung off of his shoulder just enough to display the fine etching of his collarbone. Underneath it, he wore leggings with his feet covered in fluffy socks. He just wanted to wrap him in a blanket and cuddle him all night.

In fact, part of him came to the realization that he wanted to do more than that, so he dropped the package down surreptitiously to cover the problem that was growing in his pants.

It didn’t seem like the man noticed since he raised his arm in invitation and said, “Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?”

Yuuri started a bit when he realized he had been staring and gave a quick nod as he stepped into the apartment.

As soon as he closed the door behind him, the man began to prep the water for their tea; which left Yuuri standing awkwardly in the doorway.

Not wanting to intrude any further Yuuri half whispered, “Did you want me to set these on the table?” 

“Oh anywhere’s fine,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. Yuuri took that as a yes and placed it in the center of the table. The silver-haired man turned once he was finished with the water and stared at him nervously.

Yuuri stared back. Equally as nervous.

And they stood there.

And Yuuri internally cursed at the inopportune social anxiety that kept him nailed to the spot, all but gawking at this very attractive stranger with nothing to say. 

Finally, the man broke the silence. “Thank you,” he gave a small smile in response. “I’m sorry I don’t think I caught your name.”

Yuuri’s face went ablaze as he realized his faux pas. He immediately began to wave his hands in front of his face as he sputtered out, “Oh I am so sorry. Where are my manners? I’m Yuuri. Yuuri Katsuki.”

“Victor. Victor Nikiforov.”

Yuuri swooned at his name. Victor. Victor Nikiforov. Never did he think he would find a Russian name so sexy. Yet here he was, practically drooling over his recluse of a next-door neighbor. As the kettle screamed, Victor turned back to finish their tea. “So,” he said with his back turned to Yuuri. “How long have you lived across the hall?”

Yuuri smiled and nodded in thanks as he accepted the mug and sat at Victor’s table. “It’ll be a year this April. How about you? I don’t think I’ve seen you in the neighborhood before.”

He observed the silver-haired man fidget with his mug as he responded, “I’ve lived here for around five years now.”

“Really?” Yuuri couldn’t help the shock that graced his features at this long timeline. “Huh. I wonder why I haven’t seen you before.”

But Victor only shrugged in response as he continued to drink his tea. “I-I don’t really get out much.”

Yuuri took a pause to figure out how to proceed. He didn’t know this man well, but he could tell that his response would likely define whether or not he would be invited into his home again. “That’s fair,” he said with a shrug. He was rewarded with the look of utter awe that spread slowly across Victor’s face. Encouraged by this, Yuuri decided to continue. “When I was in college I never got out much either. I used to think that people can be so scary.”

Victor nodded fervently. “Exactly! I agree.”

The strange wording of that reply took Yuuri off guard. This man definitely had some baggage. “Yeah well, this is a big city. I can see how it could be intimidating,” he replied, nodding slowly.

And since this Monday had it in for Yuuri, their conversation was interrupted by the shrill ringing of his phone. Looking at the caller ID he winced when he saw Ciao Ciao’s boisterous grin glaring up at him. “I am so sorry Victor. I really have to take this.” He stood and chugged down the rest of his tea without wincing. Years of drinking his mother’s tea in a rush taught him to relish the scalding burn that came with chugging down tea. “Thank you so much for the tea. I wish I had time to actually enjoy it.”

“I’m just glad you were the one to drop off my letters,” Victor said and immediately froze in fear. 

Yuuri couldn’t help but smile at him. The anxiety he saw in this young man reminded him of how he once was. At that moment, he knew what he had to do. What he had to say.   
“Feel free to come by anytime. That way I can return the favor.” He paused briefly. “Or… If you just need a friend. I’m just across the hall.”

“The same to you.”

After the door closed, it was just him and his angry boss on the other line.

And as he let Ciao Ciao blab his ear off after hours he couldn’t help but smile.

God did he love Mondays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a day late, but I hope this is okay! Special thanks to my Beta reader Axlaida. Go check her stuff out! She's amazing.
> 
> Next Chapter: A little bit of good ol' fashion note passing <3


	3. An Exercise in Communication

For not being an author, Ciao Ciao never lacked for words. But it’s not that he  _ minded _ his boss talking his ear off after hours.

 

Not in the slightest.

 

That is an outright lie as Yuuri would much rather be sat across the hall talking to his very attractive, very anxious next door neighbor. 

 

But no, now he was back in his apartment, stuck with Saturday’s take out and his bottled up feelings. 

 

Just as he was about to put his leftovers in the microwave, the sound of clinking metal drew his attention towards the door.

 

“Oh dang it. Sorry Vicchan.” Yuuri turned to see his poor little dog grabbing for his leash in an attempt to get his owner to take him outside. “You must think I’m the worst, huh boy?”

 

But the dog simply bounced with joy as his pink tongue flopped with reckless abandon out of his mouth.

 

Once his dog’s needs were taken care of, he went back to fixing his own dinner, and his own feelings about this new stranger.

 

He knew there was only one person who would be able to help him make sense of his emotions.

 

Yuuri quickly dialed Phichit’s number as he pushed the dry chicken around his plate.

 

After four rings he answered. “Yuuurriiiii,” he whined, coughing away from the receiver after. “You know I’m sick. I just wanna watch  _ The King and the Skater _ ten million times.”

 

“Haven’t you already done that?”

 

Yuuri could practically hear Phichit rolling his eyes over the phone. “Well, I want to watch it ten million more times then. So sue me.”

 

“Phi, you know I wouldn’t call you in the middle of your sick movie binge unless there was an emergency.”

 

Yuuri heard a shuffle on the other side of the line and the muting of a television. When Phichit was summoned for advice, he was always serious. Well, not serious per se, but he was serious when it mattered. “Oh shit, what happened?”

 

“I met the guy across the hall,” he mumbled around the chicken he began shoveling in his mouth with vigor. His nerves over meeting the cute stranger had sent his binge eating habit into overdrive.

 

Phichit, however, was nonplussed. “And?”

 

Yuuri burrowed his head into his arms. Even though no one could see the red rise to his cheeks, he hid it instinctively as he talked to Phichit.“And he’s the cutest guy I have ever seen.”

 

“Yuuri Katsuki!”Phichit gasped in a breath, promptly hacking up a lung because of the action. Once he regained his breath he continued. “Does Mr. I’m-never-interested-in-anyone-ever have a little crush?”

 

“No! Yes… I don’t know!” Yuuri jumped out of his chair, causing Vicchan to yelp in surprise.  “Phichit this is why I called you. I don’t know what I’m feeling.” He continued to pace the apartment and run his hands through his hair, grabbing it occasionally in an act to ground himself. 

 

Sure, he had come a long way with his anxiety, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t lean on his unhealthy tics every now and again.

 

“Okay, well then. What does he look like?”

 

“He’s a bit taller than me.” He stopped in his pacing and collapsed on the couch. Closing his eyes he smiled as he remembered the beautiful visage that was Victor Nikiforov. “He has this beautiful platinum blonde hair. Like, so blonde it almost looks silver. His eyes are the clearest blue I’ve ever seen. His skin is so clear it’s almost like porcelain.” He knew he had been rambling for a while now, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was absolutely infatuated with this stranger. “And it’s not just his looks. I brought him his mail and he invited me in for tea. The whole time he was so nervous and flustered, like I would judge him or something. I don’t know. It sort of reminded me of how I used to be; you know, before I finally got my shit together?”

 

He heard Phichit give a hum of sympathy. “Oh honey, you’ve got it bad.”

 

“But I don’t even know him!” He yelled, exasperated. He was Yuuri Katsuki. He didn’t just fall for strangers like this. This was unprecedented. This was ridiculous. This was-

 

The most exciting thing his heart has felt in all of his life.

 

Phichit broke into his reverie. “So? You talk to him.”

 

“Right. You’re right.”He nodded, despite the fact that Phichit couldn’t see him. Phichit was right. This was the only way to- “WAIT NO I’M AN IDIOT!” He jumped up from the couch in frustration.

 

“What? What happened?”

 

“I didn’t get his number!” He groaned. How much of an idiot could he be? He just met the man of his dreams and had no way to contact him again.

 

“Yuuri. Stop being an idiot. You live across the hall from him. You have your masters in English editing. You can figure something out.”

 

“Yeah. Okay. Thanks Phi. You’re the best.”

 

“That’s why you love me!” Yuuri could hear his smile on the other end. A smile that was interrupted by another gut wrenching coughing fit. Phichit gave a little sniffle before groaning, “Ugh. I think that means I should go.”

 

“Feel better Phichit.”

 

“Thanks Yuuri. But seriously, you need to let me know how it goes.”

 

“Will do.”

 

He hung up and was sat with a problem. How does one communicate with a stranger when you both have crippling social anxiety. Yuuri didn’t know for sure whether Victor had social anxiety, but if his cues today were anything to go by, that answer would be a resounding yes. 

 

Maybe he could just go back over and invite himself in again? No that was too forward and he didn’t want to impose.

 

What about asking the landlady for his contact information? She probably couldn’t do that legally. And besides, that was just desperate and pathetic.

 

He groaned as he threw himself face first into his couch. But he  _ was _ desperate and pathetic; that was the problem.

 

When he turned his head from the cushions so he wouldn’t smother himself, he spotted a spare notebook sitting on his coffee table.

 

“THAT’S IT!” He cried as he lunged for the spiral bound book.

 

He opened it up to the first clean page and considered his words. If he wanted to get to know this skittish stranger, everything would have to be just right.

 

***

When Victor went to bed the night before he felt lighter than a cloud. He had met his knight in shining armor and he was kind and gentle and even more beautiful up close. The entire interaction felt like a dream. A very, very nerve wracking dream.

 

Waking up the next morning he felt the crash from feeling so many positive emotions at once. He sighed and curled back into his covers. He should have known that blissful high was too good to last. 

 

This time he didn’t hit snooze on accident. The next time he opened his eyes the clock read eleven. His stomach growled, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

 

But he knew if he wanted to afford his apartment there was work to be done.

 

To the outside observer Victor was obviously a creature of habit. After the months of loneliness, albeit self imposed, it was the only thing that kept him sane. Well, at least somewhat.

 

Some days though, he just couldn’t bring himself to care about routine. On days like today he would simply roll out of bed, grab a granola bar, and sit at his laptop.

 

He was barely going through the motions. His eyes only seeing enough to make it from location to location.

 

He quickly realized that any attempt at work that he made would be unproductive at best, and catastrophic at worst. 

 

With a sigh he turned his eyes longingly towards the door; as if he were urging Yuuri to burst through it and save him from his grey haze.

 

And through his grey shaded vision he saw a stark square of white that stood out against the deep charcoal wood. Victor rushed from his chair to see what this small offering was.

 

When he unfolded the paper his world burst into color once more. 

 

Yuuri had slipped a note under his door!

 

Victor squealed with joy before he could even read it, holding the paper to his chest and spinning around with glee.

 

Once he settled down a bit he read the note.

 

‘ _ Hey Viktor, I’m heading off to work for the day! I hope you have a good day. I should be home around six if you wanted to hang out <3’ _

 

It was so cute! His writing was simple, and a little sloppy. The heart was lopsided and he spelled his name wrong, but that’s what made it all the more endearing.

 

Victor read it again to get every drop of cuteness out, when his eyes saw it.

 

A phone number.

 

Presumably, his phone number.

 

Victor had stopped working.

 

With seemingly no work at all, Victor had just procured the phone number of the man of his dreams.

 

He didn’t know what to do.

 

This was all so much. He was scared and happy and nervous all at the same time. So much of his dull world had changed in the last twenty four hours.

 

Frantically he turned to his phone and began to type out a text to Chris before he could second guess the decision. He only hoped his old friend wasn’t still mad at him.

 

**To: Chris**

 

_ Chris omg omg. I don’t know what to do. _

 

_ I just met the man of my dreams. _

 

_ And somehow got his phone number. _

 

_ Please Chris you are the best when it comes to romance. _

 

Victor knew that he was rambling. That the texts were probably excessive. But texting the constant stream of word vomit was the only thing keeping him from calling and breaking down into tears.

 

A minute passed.

 

Then two.

 

Then ten.

 

Then Victor’s hands started to shake.

 

His breath began to quicken.

 

He fell to the floor.

 

His vision began to blur.

 

“Please please please please. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.” He began to chant as he rocked back and forth, clutching the phone for dear life.

 

Suddenly the phone in his hand buzzed with life. It was contact. It was a person. Through the blur of his tears he couldn’t see the caller ID but he answered anyway; hoping it was Chris on the other side.

 

“Hello?” His voice wavered as he answered the phone through his tears.

 

A tentative voice replied. “Victor, love. It’s Chris.”

 

A sob burst through Victor’s lips. Relief crashed over him as he cried, “Oh thank god.”

 

“Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay.” Chris did his best to soothe his distressed friend. “Why are you crying, Mon cher?”

 

He hesitated, not wanting to admit his faults. “I… It’s stupid.”

 

But Chris was adamant and continued to pry in his own, well meaning way. “No. Whatever it is. It’s not.” 

 

“I…” He paused, taking a deep breath. His chest still hurt. Breathing was still hard, but his friend deserved an explanation. There had already been too much silence between them. “I never thought we would speak again? And I reached out for the first time in months and one minute turned into two which turned into ten and then it just got longer and I couldn’t breathe I still can’t breathe I can’t Chris I’m sorry I can’t”

 

Chris scrambled to calm his panicking friend. “Hey hey. Shh. Listen to me, okay. Breathe with me. In,” he breathed in loudly so Victor had something to hold onto.  “And out. There you go. Again. In.” They repeated the exercise until the hitches in VIctor’s breath were gone and his tears dried. “Any better?”

 

“Yeah. Thanks Chris.”

 

There was a pause. An auditory representation of the rift that had formed between them in the previous months. Chris was the one to break it, to bridge the valley. “Listen, Victor. I fucked up and I’m sorry.”

 

“No you-” Victor began to protest. To say that it was all his fault. But he was cut off by Chris’s good intentions.

 

“Yes I did. You were struggling. You  _ are  _ struggling. And I didn’t understand it. So I got mad. The anger was misplaced and our friendship suffered for it.  _ You  _ suffered for it.”

 

“You were only trying to help.”

 

“But did it?”

 

That question hit him in the gut. He thought back on their argument and the aftermath. Victor barely ate. He didn’t shower. Hell, he barely left his bed for a week at least. 

 

In all the time since he had locked himself away from the world, that was by far his lowest point.

 

Victor acquiesced. “No. I guess it didn’t.”

 

“Right. It didn’t. So I fucked up.”

 

Victor knew once Chris made up his mind there was no changing it. And he did apologize, which helped.

 

But awkward silence had fallen once again. Their once flowing conversations had become stilted fragments of what they once were. Instead of stewing in the silence Victor decided to break it this time. “Where did you learn to do that?”

 

“Do what?”

 

“The breathing thing. Whenever I get like that it takes me so long to get out of it. It’s either a half an hour or I pass out. Whichever comes first.” He said this casually. As if his panic attacks were as normal as eating his cereal in the morning. And to a point they were. When he got bad they were as common as his old morning jog.

 

“Oh Mon cher. Please, if you can, please call me if that ever happens to you again.” Victor could hear the caring in his friend and it made him smile. He missed this. “I couldn’t bear it if you dealt with that alone.”

 

“I have been. For years now.” Victor replied without missing a beat. He wasn’t trying to be harsh, but he had been dealing with his demons on his own for a while now. He didn’t need any help.

 

“I know,” Chris said, distressed. “That’s why I did research. I looked up how to help with panic attacks. I might not be the best at dealing with them. I might not understand it. But I promise I’m going to be there for you from now on.”

 

“Chris.” Victor felt his throat tighten again. Only this time it wasn’t because of panic. “Thank you.”

 

Chris chuckled in response. “That’s what best friends are for, no?” Without missing a beat, he got down to the real purpose of the call. “Now. What’s this about getting a guy’s phone number?”

 

“Oh the PHONE NUMBER!” Victor squealed in excitement. “Oh Chris! He is just a dream.”

 

And he told him. He told him about the people watching. The admiration from afar. The missing mail. The tea. All of it. After that much needed unloading, they slipped right back into their usual banter. Victor had missed this. Had missed Chris’s companionship. But best friends always find a way back to each other; no matter how big the argument.

 

“But what do I do?”

 

Chris didn’t even hesitate. “Obvious. You text him.”

 

“But what if he just wants to take advantage of me?” Logically Victor knew this wasn’t going to happen, but the anxious part of him that had taken over so much of his brain was speaking louder at the moment.

 

“Couldn’t he have taken advantage of you yesterday?”

 

He paused. “Well, yes.”

 

“If this guy is as you say he is, I don’t think you’ll have anything to worry about.” He could hear the shrug in Chris’s voice. “But. If, on the rare chance that he does try something you’re uncomfortable with, you can always call me and I’ll be right over there to promptly kick his ass.”

 

“I’ve missed you.”

 

“I’ve missed you too. Now, go seduce your man. And report back! I need all the juicy details!”

 

“Of course.”

 

Click. 

 

He was alone once more, but the grey haze that had shrouded the apartment had lifted. His talk with Chris left him feeling a lot lighter than he had in months. He truly did miss his best friend.

 

Now he was sat on the floor in front of the door with his phone still in hand. The note became crumpled in his hand when he suffered his anxiety attack earlier. Smoothing it out, he typed the number into his contacts with a heart next to the name. 

 

He typed out a quick text before the nerves could shut him down.

 

**To: Yuuri <3**

 

_ Hello! This is Victor! I got your note this morning <3 _

 

_ I hope you have a good day at work! _

 

_ And I will be free all day so I would love to hang out _

 

He leaned against the door with a smile on his face and waited in anticipation for Yuuri’s response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! No beta for this chapter, so I apologize for any typos I missed >_<
> 
> I'm working on adding some new tags, so be on the look out for that.
> 
> As always, you can find me at bluetrekskates.tumblr.com
> 
> Next time: The boys get their flirt on! Time for a bit of getting to know you <3


	4. Getting to Know You

Yuuri was finishing up his lunch when his pocket buzzed. He reached for the phone to shut off his notifications when he saw that it was a text from an unknown number.

 

**From: (347)XXX-XXXX**

 

_ Hello! This is Victor! I got your note this morning <3 _

 

_ I hope you have a good day at work! _

 

_ And I will be free all day so I would love to hang out _

 

Yuuri had a visceral reaction to seeing the texts. He gasped with his whole body, causing him to drop his tupperware he was balancing haphazardly on his way back to his desk.

 

The sound of the clattering plastic drew the eyes of nearby coworkers to his embarrassment. Janice gave him a judging look as he struggled to pick up his fallen lunch and some of his remaining dignity. He mumbled a quick, “Sorry,” before shuffling back to his desk.

 

He gave a quick conspicuous  look over his shoulder to see if Ciao Ciao was in the vicinity and hunched over his phone. He quickly created a contact for Victor before replying.

 

**To: Victor ^_^**

 

_ Hey! I’m glad you got it.  _

 

_ My day is a lot better now that you’ve texted me :) _

 

Yuuri physically cringed away from his phone. ‘Way to sound desperate, Yuuri,’ he berated himself internally before his phone buzzed with a response.

 

**From: Victor ^_^**

 

_ Oh You flatterer, you ;3 _

 

**To: Victor ^_^**

 

_ It’s not flattery! It’s the truth. _

 

_ I don’t know what I did to make my boss angry, but he’s been giving me the worst grunt work this week _

 

**From: Victor ^_^**

 

_ This week? But it’s only Tuesday. _

 

**To: Victor ^_^**

 

_ Exactly _

 

**From: Victor ^_^**

 

_ Oh dear. D: That’s no good. _

 

_ Is there any way you can confront him about it? _

 

**To: Victor ^_^**

 

_ Not really. I think this is because I was late on Monday. _

 

**From: Victor ^_^**

 

_ Oh yeah! You did leave a little later than normal. I don’t normally see you leave in the mornings. _

 

_ I MEAN _

 

_ NOT THAT I AM STALKING YOU OR ANYTHING _

 

_ Oh god now you think I’m stalking you _

 

_ We haven’t even really hung out and I’m already inserting my foot in my mouth. _

 

**To: Victor ^_^**

 

_ Woah woah woah. Calm down. _

 

_ First: How do you know when I leave for work? No judging, just how? _

 

_ Second: You may be stalking me, but I’m the one who slipped a note under your door like some third grader.  _

 

**From: Victor ^_^**

 

_ I like to sit at my window bench to eat my cereal in the mornings and people watch. _

 

_ I also do it with a snack in the afternoon _

 

_ I normally see you come home, but not go to work… _

 

**To: Victor ^_^**

 

_ That makes sense.  _

 

_ Shit, I have to go. My boss is coming over. _

 

_ Want to hang out at my place tonight? _

 

**From: Victor ^_^**

 

_ Oh no! Don’t get caught by your boss for texting me D: _

 

_ And, I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that yet…. Would you hate me if I asked for us to chill at my place instead? _

 

**To: Victor ^_^**

 

_ Not at all <3 I’ll let you know when I get off of work _

 

Yuuri finally locked his phone and shoved it in his desk just in time for Celestino to leer over his shoulder. He could smell the garlic that came from the man’s lunch that afternoon as he stood there. “Everything alright Yuuri?”

 

“P-perfectly fine Mr. Cialdini.” Yuuri knocked over his tupperware again as he jumped in surprise.

 

“If you say so,” the man mumbled as he stalked back to his office.

 

Yuuri let his head fall to his desk. Four o’clock couldn’t come soon enough.

 

***

 

Victor felt panic run through his veins for the second time that day. But this time it was a panic laced with stars and butterflies rather than black tar and crows. He jumped up from his crouched position on the floor and rushed to the kitchen. He opened every cabinet and looked through his meager collection of food in his refrigerator. His grocery ordering day was usually on Wednesdays, but last week he had skipped due to his drop in appetite. His depression rarely let him eat on his worst days.

 

So now he was facing an all but empty kitchen with a cute guy coming over for dinner. He knew he could order takeout, but where was the romance in that?

 

Instead he went to his computer and did what every love sick fool would do: he turned to google. 

 

He googled “how to cook for a first date” and clicked on one of the first promising links he saw. It was a Buzzfeed article titled “19 Easy Dinners That Will Impress The Heck Out Of Your Date”.

 

The first few options were a bit… extra. He wanted to impress Yuuri, but he didn’t want to seem too desperate. They ranged from fancy fish with strange glazes to straight up steak. Finally he came across a recipe for a shrimp linguine. It was perfect. Classy, but not too classy. Plus everyone loves pasta. Add a little salad, add a little wine, and he’d have the perfect dinner.

 

He quickly put in the order with postmates and turned to tackle the rest of his apartment. It was never too messy, but for Yuuri he wanted everything to be perfect. 

 

An hour later when the postmates arrived Victor had cleaned most of his apartment to his liking. Once he put the groceries away he had about an hour and a half before he needed to start dinner. This would leave plenty of time to get ready.

 

When Victor walked into the bathroom he stopped at the mirror. Seeing his gaunt reflection he felt his heart drop to his stomach. His bad day showed through every pore of his skin. In his hyper aware, hyper critical state, he could see all of the split ends that stuck out of his shapeless hair. Strands hung limply in his face with grease gluing it to his forehead. And yet he could swear his forehead had grown larger, despite the way his hair hung over it.

 

His bounced his leg up and down in a move of anxiety as he called his best friend for the second time that day. Chris did say that he could call him whenever his anxiety got the best of him. And he knew himself. He could recognise the signs by now. First came the hypersensitivity. Then the shaking. Then no breath. Then passing out. 

 

Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat.

 

Chris picked up on the third ring. “Hello dear,” his cheery voice rang out. “Do you have some juicy details for me?”

 

“Yes I-, No I-” he sputtered and stopped before letting out an exasperated sigh. “Chris I can’t do this. I was an idiot to think otherwise.”

 

“Well, first of all, you are one of the smartest people I know, so mark that down.” Victor could almost hear his sassy eyebrow raise in his tone of voice. “But what can’t you do? I need you to use your words.”

 

“Okay,” nodded even though Chris couldn’t see him. He lowered the phone and turned his eyes towards the ceiling, collecting himself.“You can do this. Breathe,” he muttered to the air before returning the phone to his ear. “I texted him.”

 

“And?”

 

“And he is coming over for dinner.”

 

Chris’s joyous laugh rang over the receiver. “Victor that’s great! What’s wrong?”

 

Victor took a deep breath as he began an abridged version of the past two hours. “Well, I looked through my kitchen and I had nothing. So I ordered the ingredients to make shrimp scampi. A little wine, some seafood, some arugula salad; you know, all the makings for a nice casual maybe romantic dinner.”

 

“Sounds like you don’t need my help, my friend.”

 

But Victor just continued, barely stopping for his friend to respond. “So then I went to the bathroom. To shower and get ready. Like a normal person.” Now that he was getting to the heart of the matter he was feeling a bit manic, but he needed to finish his thought if he wanted any hope of seeing Yuuri tonight. “But I looked in the mirror and I saw myself.” He stopped and took a shaky breath.  “You remember my… the hair thing, right?”

 

Chris gave a hum of recognition. Then a pause. Then he spoke only in a whisper. “Did you ever get it trimmed after?”

 

“No. I can’t,” Victor swallowed the thick sob that rest in the base of his throat, threatening to come out. He hated thinking about it. Even looking in the mirror made him think about it. It ate at his soul.

 

Chris continued to speak in a whisper. Even in his hushed tones, Victor could hear the sorrow that lay underneath. “But it’s just a haircut Vitya.”

 

Victor shook his head as he responded. His voice low and cracking with emotion. “And I’m telling you I can’t.”

 

“Fine. Okay. You’re right. I’m sorry. This is how we got where we were the first time and I’m not letting my ignorance get in the way of our friendship again.” Chris took a calming breath. “Let me try that again. Do we want to video chat so I can see what you have to work with?”

 

Victor quickly agreed and hit the FaceTime button. He smiled seeing his friend’s face for the first time in almost nine months. Chris had grown out his facial hair since he last saw him and his hair was two toned to emphasize his undercut. In the comfort of his own home he had ditched the contacts in favor of his round “wizard” glasses as Victor so often called them when they were younger. 

 

Regardless of all the changes, Chris was still Chris, and Victor was happy to see him again.

 

Chris broke his appreciation with a short “hey,” punctuated by a smile.

 

Victor nodded and returned the gesture. “Hey yourself. Now how do I fix this?” He waved his hand around his head in frustration at the mess his once treasured locks had become.

 

“First off, it’s not that bad. Second: shower. Then we can actually talk.”

 

Victor agreed and set the phone on his vanity while he showered. They continued with small talk in the meantime. Victor asked about anything; from their old band mates to what books he was reading. Anything to take the attention of of his stupid anxiety for once.

 

Once he was done, he climbed out of the shower and walked in frame of the camera. “Let me blow dry it real quick.” He dried his hair quickly with a towel wrapped around his waist to keep some of his dignity.

 

Not that he really needed it. This was Chris he was talking to.

 

Finally ready he squared off with the camera to give Chris an accurate view of what he had to work with. “Hmm,” he cocked his head to the side as he thought of how to proceed. “Do you have any hair ties?” Victor gave him a skeptical look. As if Chris could ever forget his waist length hair. “Right right. Stupid question. I would say you can pull the top portion up into a ponytail at the back of your head. That at least gives the illusion that your hair works well down.”

 

Victor’s eyes lit up and he quickly did as he was told. Turning back to the camera he asked, “Like this?”

 

“Perfect. You are a vision. Now,” he winked. “Go get your man.”

 

Victor rolled his eyes lovingly as he looked back at his best friend.“He’s not my man, Chris.”

 

“Well then make him your man. Better?”

 

“Much. Thank you Chris.”

 

“Anytime love.”

 

Now that his latest crisis was averted, Victor felt confident that he could face dinner with Yuuri.

 

He admired himself in the mirror one last time before going back into the bulk of his apartment. Even though it was a simple hair do, it was a step closer to feeling comfortable in his own skin again.

 

An alarm went off on his phone to let him know he should start dinner. He began to prepare the pasta and hum one of their old songs to himself. Sometimes he missed performing, but at this point it wasn’t the act of getting on stage that he missed. He really missed being in the middle of the music. At least he could give himself some small illusion of that in his own little kitchen.

 

Just as he was getting ready to put the garlic bread in the oven he heard his text tone chime. He looked at it with a smile as he realized who it was from.

 

**From: Yuuri <3**

 

_ Hey! Just got off of work. Should be by your place in twenty. _

 

_ Did you need me to bring anything? _

 

**To: Yuuri <3**

 

_ Just yourself <3 _

 

_ God that was so cheesy _

 

_ Just like this GARLIC BREAD I’M MAKING (attached image.png) _

 

**From: Yuuri <3**

 

_ Oh but it’s the best kind of cheese. _

 

_ See you soon <3 _

 

Victor’s stomach fluttered as he saw his heart returned. Twenty minutes couldn’t pass quick enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaayy!! Now they can text <3 We are slowly going to learn what happened to Victor from here on out. (I don't believe it will be anything too triggering. No kidnapping or anything super nasty. I don't think. Idk. Might change my mind)
> 
> So, remember how I said things will be crazy until the end of February? Well. I just got an email that I have an audition in Boston. Next week. I live in Chicago. SO I WILL BE VERY BUSY AND TRYING NOT TO PANIC (so far, not a good track record on that one.)
> 
> That being said, there will most likely not be a chapter next week. It might happen, but I wouldn't count on it.
> 
> But I should be able to return the following week <3
> 
> You can always find me at bluetrekskates.tumblr.com or if you want more of my fandom stuff you can find me at megisnotarobot.tumblr.com
> 
> Next time: These boys get some pasta and some quality time. And garlic bread. Everyone loves some garlic bread.


	5. Bella Notte

When Yuuri found out that Victor was cooking them dinner, he didn’t know what to expect. Was this just a casual pizza dinner? Was he just going to make tacos or something? Or was he going to go the whole nine and make a fancy pasta thing?

 

He tried not to fret too much the rest of the day at work. Celestino already had it out for him this week and he didn’t want to add fuel to his crabby fire. He had to be completely focused for the rest of the day if he was going to get through it in one piece. So he did his best to concentrate on his work for the rest of the day.

 

The clock struck four and he practically jumped from his desk in a rush to get to Victor. He was acting like a lovesick teenager all over again and he couldn’t even find it in himself to be embarrassed. He sent a quick text to Victor to let him know he was on his way. 

 

The answer he received confirmed his last suspicion; fancy pasta thing it is.

 

He took some calming breaths as he walked home. This was just a casual thing. No need to get nervous. “You just met him yesterday for crying out loud. Get it together Katsuki,” he mumbled to himself. That was one of the great things about New York; there were so many strange people in the city that no one paid any mind to a random person mumbling to themselves. As much as he hated the claustrophobia of a big city, he could appreciate this.

 

Fifteen minutes later he was at his place. After relieving his dog sitter of her duties and changing out of his stuffy business wear, he found himself standing face to face with Victor’s door for the second time. With a final calming breath he raised his hand and knocked.

 

After a few moments the door opened to reveal Victor in all of his glory. With it came the smells of whatever he was cooking, and it was simply  _ divine _ .

 

“Hey you,” Yuuri said with a smile, coming out a lot smoother than he thought he would.

 

Victor returned the smile with a heart shaped one of his own. “Come in! I hope you like shrimp linguini!”

 

Yuuri took a deep breath in to smell and sighed. “Butter? Garlic? Wine? I’m yours.”

 

Victor sputtered in response, a fierce blush painting his cheeks.

 

Yuuri put a reassuring hand on his shoulder in an attempt to anchor the man. “Thank you. For cooking this, I mean. And inviting me over. You didn’t have to.”

 

“I wanted to. I,”Victor paused. He took a beat to look down at the floor. With shame? Embarrassment? Yuuri couldn’t tell. But, he continued. “I don’t get many guests anymore… So believe me when I say I wanted to do this.” He finished his statement with a sad smile across his lips. 

 

Some brave force inside allowed Yuuri to move his hand down so it was holding Victor’s hand instead. Once they were connected he gave the younger man’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “I’d love to visit as often as you like, if you’ll have me.”

 

“Always.” The blush never faded, but his eyes sparked with a new enthusiasm. Next thing Yuuri knew, Victor was dragging him by the hand towards the table. “Anyway, let’s eat! Everything’s just about ready.”

 

Victor sat him down at one of the placemats before turning back towards the kitchen. His childhood spent helping at the onsen urged him to get up from his seat and assist with the meal. But as his chair scraped against the floor Victor spun around from where he was tossing the salad. Brandishing the tongs he pointed them at Yuuri. “Nope. You sit back down. I’m treating you to dinner.”

 

Yuuri sank back into the chair almost guiltily. He hoped Victor didn’t think he was trying to be rude or imposing.

 

He didn’t have too long to worry though as Victor turned around to reveal two arugula salads. “Here we go! I hope you like arugula. I added a berry vinaigrette to sweeten it a bit; I hope you don’t mind.”

 

“Not at all, thank you.”

 

They started in on their salads in a comfortable silence. But the silver haired man didn’t seem comfortable to sit in it for too long. “So. What do you do?” Victor asked in between bites. “I mean, I know you work. But as what?”

 

Yuuri gave a nonchalant shrug. “Nothing interesting. I’m an editor for Cialdini Publishing. I’m one of the guys who reads manuscripts to see if we want to take on a new story.”

 

“Really?! That’s amazing!” Victor’s eyes lit up with excitement at this news. “I mean, how many people can say they read books for a living?”

 

“You make it sound so glamorous… Most of the time I’m reading stuff that will never see the light of day.”

 

But Victor wouldn’t budge. He collected their bowls and continued talking as he went to get their pasta. “Come on, it can’t be that bad.” 

 

“I take it you like reading?”

 

“I love it! I almost went to college for English writing.”

 

That gave Yuuri pause. He tilted his head to the side as he received his plate from Victor. “Why didn’t you?”

 

Now it was Victor’s turn to shrug. “Life just got in the way.”

 

Yuuri decided not to push. Something in his gut told him if he tried to push any more, Victor would simply shut down. “I can understand,” he nodded. “So what is it that you do?”

 

“Ahh! I am a freelance lyricist for musicians.” He began to swirl some of his pasta around his fork before shoveling it in his mouth.

 

“So you do write for a living.”

 

Victor physically flinched back as he considered what Yuuri had just said. “I never thought of it that way.”

 

They continued to eat their dinner with small talk. As Yuuri got up for seconds he couldn’t help but ask, “So how did you decide to make this? It’s so delicious! If I didn’t know any better I’d think you got this at a fancy Italian restaurant.” 

 

“Okay now you’re really trying to flatter me,” Victor rolled his eyes as he gathered their dishes from the meal.

 

“No I’m serious! I might not look it, but I’ve always been quite the foodie.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Really.”Yuuri nodded and began to blush. He paused before continuing, but went on with his train of thought anyway. “I used to be really overweight in college. And I still have a bit of chub that won’t go away, but I did lose a lot.”

 

A look of awe stretched across Victor’s face. His eyes roved over Yuuri’s body almost without thought. The gesture made him feel exposed, but pleased when Victor replied with, “Wow. You are amazing, Yuuri Katsuki.”

 

Now it was Yuuri’s turn to blush.

 

After they finished dinner they continued their small talk on the couch. They discussed their likes and dislikes. Why they moved to New York. Everyday mundane things that are always the precursor of a good relationship.

 

But all too soon the evening was over. Yuuri took a look at his phone only to find that it was already nine o’clock. “Oh no it’s getting late. I should probably head out.”

 

A brief flash of sadness passed through Victor’s eyes as he got up to walk Yuuri to the door. “I’m glad you came.”

 

“Me too.”

 

A silence settled. This one not as awkward as the ones prior. This one with a sense of anticipation.

 

Victor was once again the one to break the silence. “Did you want to do the same time tomorrow?”

 

“I’m actually getting dinner with my friend Phichit. We normally do Monday’s, but he was sick.” Yuuri continued to talk through Victor’s visibly sagging shoulders. “And, Thursday isn’t good for my because that’s my ‘cram in all my work so that I don’t have to read manuscripts at home over the weekend’ day. So I’ll just be holed up in my apartment reading non-stop.”

 

“We could do Friday then?” Victor tried this alternative, with a timid hope in his eyes.

 

“Friday,” Yuuri nodded with a smile. “I can bring over snacks and we can watch movies?”

 

“Sounds like a date.”

 

Yuuri felt the heat rise in his cheeks once more. “A date. I like that.”

 

He opened the door reluctantly and stepped out into the hall, away from their pasta oasis.

 

“Friday then,” Victor whispered, almost a question.

 

A nod.

 

“Friday.”

 

A click.

 

Alone.

 

Yuuri sighed as he turned back towards his apartment. Not for the first time, he was happy that he had Vicchan to keep him company. Without him, there would be no way he would get through the week.

 

Yuuri was falling hard. Part of him was scared, but another was thrilled. How wonderful it was to feel so fully for once. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Peers around corner) Hi guyyyysss.... I'M SO SORRY!!! Auditions killed me. I didn't get time to write until last night. (But I have one acceptance so far. So there's that!!)
> 
> Anyway. 
> 
> To make up for my long absence I am going to aim to have a new chapter up by Friday and then back to my normal schedule on Wednesday.
> 
> Also, I'm sorry this one was so short. I just felt it was at a good stopping point, ya feel?
> 
> As always you can find me at bluetrekskates.tumblr.com
> 
> Next time: Victor begins to open up to Yuuri about his past.


	6. Opening Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some warnings for this chapter: Victor has a severe anxiety attack and a ptsd flash back episode. There is also the mention of past pet death. There will be a description at the end if you need to skip!

The next few weeks were absolute bliss. For the first time in three years Victor felt like he had something to wake up for. Yuuri would come over almost everyday after work to hang out. Sometimes he would cook. Others Yuuri would. They even had sleepovers on the weekends. They built pillow forts, ordered pizza, and made brownies from scratch. Victor’s kitchen was destroyed after that one, but the product had been so delicious that he would do it all over again if only to see Yuuri’s happy food dance. 

 

Yuuri had even met Chris a week ago.

 

They had been sitting on the couch watching pointless youtube videos on his laptop when they heard a knock on the door. Victor froze under Yuuri’s fingertips that had been combing through his shaggy locks.

 

“You weren’t expecting anyone were you.” It wasn’t a question. Yuuri could tell by Victor’s body language that the visitor was unexpected. “It’s okay. I’ll get it.”

 

Victor immediately began to protest. “No no. You shouldn’t have to. It’s my house so I’ll get it.”

 

“I don’t  _ have _ to. I  _ want  _ to. Give me a sec.” Yuuri gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze before getting up to answer the door. 

 

When he opened the door he was greeted by a suave Swiss man leaning against the door frame. “Hello, _hello,”_ purred Chris. His eyes roved up and down Yuuri’s body as he sauntered into the apartment, booze bag in hand. “You must be this Yuuri I’ve heard so much about.”

 

“Chris?!?” Victor squealed as he clambered over the back of the couch to greet his friend. “Come in, come in! It’s been too long. What brings you here?” Once Chris was in the apartment Victor immediately hugged him.

 

The man hugged back tightly before leaning back to look Victor in the eyes. “You kept teasing me with information on this Yuuri fellow but never invited me to meet him. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Plus,” he shrugged, lifting the booze bag in his hand. “I have wine.”

 

Victor threw his head back with laughter as he grabbed for the bottle. “Well of course you brought wine. I’d be insulted if you didn’t.”

 

At the end of the visit Yuuri had passed the best friend test with flying colors. Obviously, since he is, well, Yuuri.

 

Ahh Yuuri. Yuuri was perfect. Well, not perfect, but about as close as someone could get to perfection. He never questioned Victor’s quirks. He never pushed him out of his comfort zone. In fact, he always seemed to know when to bring back the line. 

 

Yes, Victor could do this forever.

 

Victor was in the process of making a big nest of blankets in the living room when he heard Yuuri knock at the door. “Just a second!” He shouted as he dropped the bundle of pillows he was holding.

 

“Yuuri! You’re early!”

 

“Hey Victor. Hope you don’t mind.” The words were spoken with no true apology in them. At this point he knew that he could come over whenever and Victor wouldn’t mind. But rather than his usual bashfulness, sparkles of excitement danced in his eyes. “I actually thought I would bring a visitor over, if that’s okay?”

 

Victor immediately felt his posture curl in on himself at the thought of a stranger entering his home. “Umm I don’t know…”

 

Yuuri immediately backpedaled. “Oh! It’s not a person! Don’t worry, I wouldn’t spring that on you. I probably could have worded it better.”

 

“Okay Katsuki.” Victor gave him a slow nod as he turned back into his apartment. “You’ve got me intrigued.”

 

“Wait right there.” And just like that Yuuri rushed back into his own apartment to retrieve this new “guest”. Barely thirty seconds later he emerged with a wiggling ball of brown fluff in his arms.

 

Victor immediately fell in love.

 

“A puppy!!!” He squealed and danced in place as Yuuri let go of the little bundle of energy. The moment his tiny paws hit the wood floor, he was scampering over to Victor to greet his new human.

 

“Victor, meet Vicchan.”

 

Victor leaned down and took the dog’s face in his hands. “Oh hello there little guy. Who has the fluffiest face? You do!”

 

Seeing Victor so happy with his dog made Yuuri laugh with love. “I didn’t know you liked dogs.”

 

“Like dogs? Oh no Yuuri. I  _ love  _ dogs.” Victor stood back up with the puppy securely in his arms. “How long have you had him?”

 

“He was my graduation present from my parents. From grad school, I mean.” Yuuri reached out to scratch Vicchan’s head as he continued. “I think they were worried about me feeling lonely in such a big city so they got him for me as a companion.”

 

“Where did you get the name Vicchan.”

 

“Well, when they adopted him for me, the shelter had named him Victor, ironically enough. I don’t know how much you know about Japanese honorifics, but that is basically the cute way of saying Victor in Japanese.”

 

Victor’s eyes lit up. “Aww! That’s so cute. It’s almost as if our friendship was meant to be.” 

 

The dog responded by licking Victor’s nose. “Oh thank you for the kisses. I love kisses.”

 

“It looks like he really likes you.”

 

“That’s because us Victor’s have to stick together. Right, Vicchan?” At hearing his name the little dog gave a yip of approval. Victor figured the dog should get used to his new surroundings so he finally let the dog go so he was free to explore the apartment. Although it’s layout was most likely identical to Yuuri’s, it was bound to be a world full of new smells for the little pup.

 

Seeing that the dog was happy in his new surroundings the two men settled themselves in the makeshift nest that Victor had created. Yuuri sat in the back and Victor slotted his back against Yuuri’s front. Once they were settled Yuuri slipped his arms around Victor’s waist to pull him in close.

 

“You should come on a walk with us sometime,” Yuuri mumbled into Victor’s hair.

 

That was the wrong thing to say.

 

Victor immediately froze in Yuuri’s grip. He felt his breath quicken into short bursts as histeria built up in his chest. He clenched his eyes shut against the memories that invaded his mind. Suddenly he wasn’t there anymore. He was back to that day all those years ago. He could hear the tires squealing. The people gasping. The people gasping turned into his own gasps as he continued to fight for his breath.

 

Through it all Yuuri was trying to reach out to him, wherever he was trapped in his mind. Once the hyperventilating started he spun Victor around in his grasp so that he was facing him head on. “Hey, come on now. Stay with me here, okay. I’m right here.” Yuuri grasped one hand in his own and placed the other on his chest. Victor’s eyes were still screwed shut. Against what, he couldn’t tell. “Victor, you’re in your apartment. Your with me. You are safe.” He kept chanting those words as a mantra. 

 

Slowly his eyes opened, but the breathing didn’t calm. “Hey. There are those pretty blue eyes. I want you to breathe with me. Do you think you can do that?”

 

Victor’s eyes widened as he shook his head. “I- can’t- can’t” the phase was stuttered and broken between gasps. 

 

“Shhh don’t talk. You can breathe. You can do it. Just breathe when I do.” Yuuri began the process of slow exaggerated breaths. After a few minutes Victor’s gasps gave way to gut wrenching sobs as he collapsed into Yuuri’s open torso. 

 

Yuuri grasped the trembling man tightly. Victor felt his lips in his hair as he mumbled things like, “It’s okay. I’ve got you. We aren’t going anywhere.”

 

Finally Victor’s sobs began to fade and his breathing returned to normal. He was emotionally wrung out. He hadn’t had an episode like that in so long he had almost forgotten how dead he felt afterwards. “I’m sorry,” he whispered into Yuuri’s now damp shirt. “You shouldn’t have had to witness that.”

 

“There’s nothing to apologise for. And I’m glad I was here; I know too well how awful it is to have a panic attack by yourself.” Victor just snuggled deeper into his grasp at his words. 

 

They stayed there for a while more. Holding each other together. Vicchan even joined their cuddling session after a few minutes.

 

Victor was lazily carding his fingers through the puppy’s fur when Yuuri broke the silence. “What happened? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I’m here to listen if you want.”

 

Victor sighed a heavy sigh. “I don’t want to talk about it. But I should. It’s been too long.” He finally extracted himself from Yuuri’s grasp and leaned over to the couch where his phone sat. After a few swipes he handed it to Yuuri.

 

He took in a shaky breath and began. “This. This is Makkachin. She was the best dog. I got her as a present for my sixteenth birthday. We went through everything together. She was with me for my move to New York. She came on every tour with me. The nights when I felt the loneliest, she was always there to lick away my tears. She was so,  _ so  _ smart.”

 

“She’s beautiful. Like a big Vicchan.”

 

“Yeah, I guess she is.” He smiled a sad smile that barely reached his eyes as he continued. “One day we were going on a walk at one of our tour locations. Atlanta. She didn’t care for the heat, but she had been cooped up in the hotel all day so I wanted to get her out. We were out by a busy highway when a group of paparazzi cornered me. They jostled me. They scared Makka. They were awful.”

 

“Somewhere in the chaos, I had dropped her lead. So she did what any scared dog would do; she ran. She ran right into the busy street.” He closed his eyes against the memory as the sounds ached in the back of his mind.  “The next thing I knew I heard screeching tires. And a-” He stopped, not able to continue the tale. Even though it was a few years ago, the pain was still fresh. 

 

After he collected himself, he continued on. “The vet said she was killed on contact. That she wouldn’t have felt much pain. But I think they just told me that to make me feel better.”

 

Yuuri clung tighter to Victor, if that was even possible. “I’m so sorry Victor. That’s awful.”

 

Victor took in a shuddering breath. “So I can’t go on a walk with you and Vicchan. Because what if I trip into you and make you drop the leash and then Vicchan will run and then he’ll die and it will be all my fault and-”

 

Yuuri cut him off before he could work himself in a panic again. “Shhh. It’s okay It’s okay. We don’t have to go on a walk.”

 

“Please don’t make me leave,” he whimpered in a small, small voice.

 

“I won’t,” Yuuri promised. “I won’t.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Can I ask you something?” Yuuri asked the younger man. After receiving a nod, he asked, “How long has it been since you left this apartment?”

 

Victor’s voice was flat and strained with pain when he responded. “You think I’m crazy.”

 

“No. You aren’t crazy.” He kissed Victor’s temple, as if a simple kiss would make all of the pain in his brain better. “I get it, you know. Anxiety.”

 

Victor pulled away and looked at his friend skeptically. “You? You aren’t anxious.”

 

Yuuri immediately burst out into laughter. His arms wrapping around his own stomach to support it. “I’m sorry! I don’t mean to laugh.” He wiped away his tears and looked back at Victor. “It’s just that, if my friend Phichit ever heard you say that. He says that I am one fourth sass and three fourths anxiety.”

 

“But you don’t look anxious,”

 

Yuuri gave him a small nod and a smile. “I’ve had a lot of help. I go to therapy. I take several medications.”

 

“I couldn’t tell…” Victor trailed off, looking bashfully down at Vicchan.

 

“That’s kinda the point; to be able to function healthily in society. One day I’ll tell you my story, but right now I’m worried about you. I want to help  _ you.”  _ He cupped Victor’s cheek gently and directed his gaze back to his own. “What can I do to help you?”

 

“Stay with me?”

 

“I’m pretty sure I can do that.”

 

They ordered take out and enjoyed each other’s company for the rest of the evening. The last thing Victor felt before falling asleep was Yuuri’s hand rubbing circles in his back and his chest rumbling with a soft lullaby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in this one Chris and Yuuri meet. After that Yuuri asks Victor if he wants to go on a walk with him and Vicchan. This triggers a flashback and panic attack in Victor. After he calms down he tells Yuuri about how Makkachin died. They end cuddling and going to sleep together.
> 
> The next chapter should be up by Wednesday or, more likely, Thursday. I have to work a lot in the beginning of the week, so probably Thursday. 
> 
> Next time: Yuuri thinks on how he can help Victor reclaim his life.


	7. Beautiful Morning

Yuuri woke up to a mouth full of Victor’s hair and a nose full of Vicchan’s butt. He moved his arm that wasn’t pinned under Victor’s body up to dislodge the puppy from his face gently so as to not disturb Victor’s sleep. The movement stirred Victor just enough so that he shifted himself to rest on Yuuri’s chest.

 

Once all of his airways were clear, Yuuri let out a soft sigh of relief that he was still asleep. It gave him some more time to organize his thoughts.

 

Yuuri used to hate being alone with his thoughts. In moments of quiet solitude his anxiety was free to run rampant. His mind would run in circles on everything he was doing wrong. What he wasn't doing. What he should be doing. All of his faults. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

 

Therapy had helped. Now, he still had bad days. He still had bad thoughts. But at least now he was better equipped to handle them.

 

Right now he wished his sleep addled brain would actually utilize the coping mechanisms he had learned. Instead the anxious wheels in his brain were churning rapidly over the events that transpired yesterday.

 

He had seen Victor uneasy in the past few weeks of getting to know the man. He recognised his visible anxiety over meeting new people and entering new situations. He had a hunch that Victor had some form of agoraphobia, but yesterday’s panic attack only confirmed his suspicions. Before he let his brain get too out of control he focused on what he knew.

 

First: he had never seen Victor outside of his apartment. Whenever Yuuri offered to do things at his place, Victor would always politely refuse or suggest they do it at his apartment instead. Eventually Yuuri just stopped asking and just assumed that everything would happen at Victor’s place by default. Hell, the reason they even met in the first place was because he never got his mail. He was probably too terrified to leave his apartment.

 

Yuuri’s heart hurt for him. The poor man had probably been dealing with this by himself. For how long, he didn’t know. And he didn’t want to ask Victor about it again. The man had already shut himself from the world. He didn’t know what he would do if Victor shut himself off from Yuuri too.

 

Makkachin’s death obviously played a role in Victor’s illness. Of that he was most certain. But he had a gut feeling that there was more to be uncovered.

 

All he could do was let Victor know that he would be there for him, no matter what.

 

After a few more peaceful moments in the quiet morning, Victor began to stir. His crystal blue eyes blinked up at Yuuri, still bleary with sleep. Once Victor’s groggy mind registered that they were cuddling, a pink blush dusted across his cheeks.

 

“Good morning sunshine.” Yuuri’s voice cracked with his first words of the day.

 

“Morning,” Victor mumbled in response. “ ‘m sorry. Didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.”

 

“I’m not complaining. It feels nice to wake up with you in my arms.” Lacking his filter in the morning, Yuuri blushed when he realized what he’d just said. “I- um- ah,” he stuttered, worried he had made Victor uncomfortable.

 

His worries were quickly assuaged by Victor’s heart shaped smile as he nuzzled further into Yuuri’s chest. “Oh Yuuri! You’re such a romantic.”

 

“Only with you.” Yuuri smiled down at the vision of a man clinging tightly to his chest.

 

They lay there for a little while longer; enjoying the Saturday morning stillness. They were caught up in a spell of their own making. Cuddled together like they were, Yuuri couldn’t help but feel as if they were on the precipice of something. Something that had been building over the past month they’ve been getting to know each other.

 

Almost as if he could read Yuuri’s thoughts, Victor was the first to break the silence. “Hey, Yuuri?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

Victor took in a shaky breath. Yuuri instinctually wrapped his arm tighter around Victor’s back in comfort. 

 

“What are we?” Victor’s voice was shaky with vulnerability.

 

“Well,” Yuuri gave pause, trying to piece out exactly what he wanted to say. “First and foremost, I would like to think that we are friends.”

 

At his words, Yuuri could almost feel his shoulders drop under his grasp.

 

“But,” he continued. “I would like it if we became something more.” He paused to place a kiss in Victor’s messy bedhead. “I, for one, know that I’ve never felt this way about someone before.”

 

“Me either,” Victor broke his silence. “I mean, it’s not that I’ve never… I mean.”

 

“Victor. It’s not like I’m expecting you to be some pure blushing flower or anything. I had my fair share of flings in college.”

 

“Right, yeah. Of course. I was just worried that…” he petered off, burying his face in Yuuri’s chest once more.

 

“Victor, can you look at me?” Yuuri asked gently. Once one of Victor’s eyes were peeking up at him, he continued. “I will never ask you to be anyone but yourself.”

 

At that Victor looked up at him fully. He almost looked on the verge of tears. “I… thank you. When I was a musician, I was always told what to be. ‘Be more masculine. Be more feminine. Sound like this. Write this.’ It always felt like they never wanted me for  _ me  _ but rather for what they could mould me into.” he paused to let out an exasperated sigh. “You know, sometimes I really miss performing. Sharing my work with people. But I’ll never miss feeling like someone’s puppet. Like a product to be sold.”

 

“I can only imagine.”

 

“So , thank you. For wanting me for me.” Slowly, a smile grew on his face. “But, can I ask you to be something for me?”

 

Yuuri knit his brows together in confusion. He thought they were only being themselves for each other. “Possibly? I guess it depends on what you’re asking me to be.”

 

At this his smile turned into a sly smirk. “Be my boyfriend?”

 

Yuuri felt the heat of a red blush rush to his cheeks. “Victor! You scared me for a second.”

 

“I’m sorry,” he replied, not sounding sorry at all. “I just had an opportunity! I had to take it.”

 

“I guess it was pretty smooth.” Yuuri smiled down at the man in his grasp. He was ridiculous. He was all over the place. But now, he was Yuuri’s.

 

“You didn’t answer my question Yuuuriiiii,” he whined, pouting out his lower lip as far as it could go.

 

It was cute. Victor was cute. He’d always thought so. That lip pouted out was just asking to be kissed.

 

So he did.

 

Yuuri leaned his head down and put his lips of Victors, Morning breath be damned. With the sudden move, Victor gasped, opening his mouth enough so that Yuuri could deepen the kiss. Not too much; just enough so that it was perfectly sweet.

 

When they pulled apart Yuuri looked at Victor with boundless love in his eyes. “I thought you’d never ask.”

 

If it were up to them, they would have stayed cuddled together for the rest of the morning. However a certain bundle of fluff demanded the necessary morning attention.

 

“Aww, I’m sorry Vicchan. Have we been neglecting you?” Victor asked the puppy that was trying to lick Victor and Yuuri at the same time. He kept spinning in circles between the men; all in all an adorable sight.

 

“Okay okay! I’ll take you out,” Yuuri laughed as the puppy successfully stuck his tongue in his mouth. “Oh, thank you for the kisses! Yes I know you need to pee.”

 

“Your kisses aren’t too bad yourself.”

 

Yuuri felt his face heat up again as Victor, no, his  _ boyfriend  _ flirted with him.

 

“I-I” he stuttered, causing Victor to giggle. God what he wouldn’t do to hear that laugh every day. “I’m going to take him out and go freshen up at my place. I can come back over when I’m done?”

 

“I guess that’s okay,” he replied with a playful sigh. “But hurry back. I’ll miss you.”

 

“I’ll only be gone for a few hours. I just need to recharge a bit. Introverts, you know?”

 

Yuuri was worried that Victor would be offended, but instead of looking hurt, he simply rolled off of Yuuri and snuggled deeply into their nest. “Of course. Take all the time you need.”

 

With one last kiss on his head, Yuuri picked up Vicchan and left the apartment. He quickly poked his head into his own to grab his dog’s lead before taking him out.

 

Boyfriend.  _ Boyfriend. _ Victor was his boyfriend. If he could, he would sing at the top of his lungs; but no one needed to be subjected to that torment. He took VIcchan out to the patch of grass across the street from their apartment complex. It was now late March. The last tendrils of winter were melting away, leaving a beautiful spring day in its wake. Maybe it was the romantic feelings inside of him talking, but this was the most beautiful spring day he’s ever felt. He could just immagine. Victor and him could walk Vicchan t to that cute little ice cream shop down the block and-

 

Victor.

 

Victor. Who couldn’t leave the house. Victor. Who probably hasn’t left the house in  _ years. _

 

The warm spring in his heart dropped to ice in his stomach.

 

He could never do any of that with Victor. It made Yuuri want to cry. He was so afraid of the world that he would never truly be able to experience life.

 

Now that he was fully sobered and Vicchan was done with his business, he went back to his apartment.

 

Looking around him, he realized his apartment was so cold. It was a relatively large apartment for New York; especially considering how much he paid in rent. But without the presence of another person it seemed massively suffocating. For once he didn’t feel solace in being alone. Instead his mind went to how Victor must have felt being alone in his apartment.  _ For years. _

 

It wasn’t healthy. And he could see how it had been weighing on Victor. How his voice would strain when Yuuri had to leave. The lost look in his eyes when Yuuri told him he couldn’t come over. Victor was struggling and he didn’t know what he could do.

 

Yuuri worked his way to the shower in a daze. He could feel his anxiety bubbling inside. Even though he was alone, there was something about breaking down in a shower that was cathartic. That felt safe.

 

Once he was under the steaming shower head he cried. He cried for the time Victor spent in self imposed isolation. He cried out of worry. He had anxiety, sure, but never in this way. He was out of his depth. Hell, he had no clue how this started. Or even when.

 

But he had a feeling he knew one person who did.

 

Stepping out of the shower, he toweld off and got dressed before grabbing his phone. He scrolled to hsi facebook messenger and shot a text to his newest contact.

 

Ten minutes later the phone rang.

 

“Hi Chris. Thanks for calling.”

 

“It’s no problem Yuuri. Any friend of Victor’s is a friend of mine.” He heard a chuckle on the other end of the line. “Although, if my most recent text conversation with our Victor is anything to go by, you two are a little more than friend, no?”

 

Yuuri couldn’t help but smile. It warmed his heart that Victor was so excited about their new relationship that the first thing he did was contact his best friend.

 

“Yeah, he asked me this morning.”

 

“Good. Just by seeing the two of you interact that one time, I could tell the two of you would be great for each other. I can tell you really care for him.” Chris paused a moment, but Yuuri could tell he had more to say. “And you’d better actually care for him. He’s too good to be hurt.  He’s had enough of that already.”

 

“I do. I really do care about him,” Yuuri sat down and sighed. Too much worry was bouncing through his brain. “I wanted to talk to you about that, actually.”

 

There was a beat of cold silence on the other end of the call. “What do you mean?” The cheerfulness of his had completely bled out. Yuuri could practically feel his defensiveness coming from his voice.

 

“I’m just… I’m worried about him, Chris.”

 

“Go on.” Still cold.

 

“How long has it been since he’s left his apartment?”

 

CHris took in a sharp breath at his words. “How much has he told you?”

 

Yuuri sighed in frustration, running a hand through his damp hair. “Nothing. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he redirects and deflects. I almost wonder if he doesn’t remember how long it’s been.”

 

“Three years.” Chris replied, voice strained. “Almost three years come this May. Look, Yuuri. I want to help you, I really do. But it’s not my story to tell.”

 

“I agree. I just… I want to help him. But I don’t know how.”

 

“Be there for him,” CHris said. “He can get very defensive at times, so all you can do is try to be there for him; even if he’s being irrational.”

 

“Thanks Chris. I can do that.”

 

“You’d better. Consider this my shovel talk,” he said with a laugh.

 

“Yuuri let out a sigh of relief at the release of tension. “It was bound to happen at some point right?”

 

Once they said their goodbyes, Yuuri felt a lot better about the whole situation. If there was anything he’d learned from having anxiety over the years, it’s that he couldn’t solve every problem all at once; let alone solve someone else’s problems.

 

For the moment all he could do was be there for Victor/ maybe encourage him to get help.

 

Feeling much calmer, he went back across the hall to spend the rest of the day with his loving boyfriend. Because at the end of the day he cared for Victor deeply. Maybe even enough to call it love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally!!! These boys are together!! They have some things to sort out, but for the moment they can just be <3\. And gotta love protective bff Chris.
> 
> I've finally found a good rhythm for writing that has helped me be a lot more productive. I've already started on the next chapter and I have the next two pretty much word for word in my brain, so look forward to that.
> 
> ALSO A FAIR WARNING!!! Some of the tags are going to change, so if you know that anything triggers you, please please please look before the next two chapters to see if this applies to you. I will put in skip guidelines for triggering material so that you can still read and skip the trigger stuff if you need to. 
> 
> Next time: The beautiful bliss that comes with any new relationship can't last forever.


	8. Highs and Lows

Victor was distinctly aware that they were in the honeymoon phase of their relationship, and he was loving every minute of it. Yuuri came over everyday after work with Vicchan and a stack of manuscripts. He loved the domesticity of cuddling with Yuuri on the couch as he worked on his projects for the week. Sometimes he would save his own work so that they could do it together.

 

They would often trade off who cooked each night. On the nights when Yuuri was too exhausted, Victor would introduce him to some of his grandmother’s recipes from Russia. Other’s Yuuri would teach him how to make simple Japanese dishes that his mother made at their onsen. 

 

Yuuri practically lived there now. While some nights he returned to his own apartment to sleep, most times he just stayed over. As the weeks went on more and more of Yuuri’s stuff worked his way over to Victor’s place.

 

Others might say they were moving too fast. But to Victor, Yuuri was his whole world. A part of him knew it was unhealthy, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Both he and Yuuri were happy; that’s all that mattered.

 

As the days grew longer and the breeze grew warmer, Victor assumed, Yuuri became more pensive. Victor wanted to ask what was wrong, but he knew that Yuuri needed time to open up.

  
  


It was the first of May. The first time since Yuuri started sleeping over every night that Victor woke up to an empty bed. Vicchan was curled up on Yuuri’s pillow, so that couldn’t be why he was awake.

 

Concerned, he gathered the throw at the foot of his bed around his bare shoulders and padded into the living room. He found Yuuri perched in his window seat looking down at the street below. He was so deep in thought, he hadn’t picked up on Victor’s presence yet.

 

As if usually was, Victor broke the silence. “You’re up early.”

 

Yuuri’s head snapped to attention. WHen their eyes met a small smile graced his face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

 

“You didn’t. I just rolled over to cuddle and you were gone.” Victor moved over to where Yuuri sat. He adjusted himself so that Victor could sit curled between his legs.

 

They continued to sit at the window in a familiar silence. Yuuri’s arms wrapped around Victor’s torso. His thumb rubbing small circles in his arm. He couldn’t tell if the movement was for his comfort or Yuuri’s, but he was happy to be in his arms all the same.

 

But something was bothering Yuuri if he was up that early. “Penny for your thoughts?” Victor asked, looking behind him to meet Yuuri’s eyes.

 

Yuuri made a non committal grunt as he nuzzled his face into Victor’s neck. 

 

“It’s okay,” he grabbed Yuuri’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

 

Yuuri shrugged, face still buried in Victor’s neck. “I’m just having a bad day, I think.”

 

“Is there anything I can do to make it better?”

 

“Can we just do this for a bit?”

 

Victor smiled and grabbed his hand, placing a Kiss on his knuckles. “Of course, love.”

 

They stayed like that until the city glowed out of it’s hazy morning fog. The traffic picked up and the people flooded the streets. They knew it was time to let Vicchan out, but they wanted to just stay in each other’s arms for a little while longer.

 

Victor almost wished he had the courage to take out the dog instead of Yuuri. But he didn’t know how to even leave his apartment to go to Yuuri’s, let alone leave the entire building. 

 

Yuuri sighed, finally untangling himself from their comfy cocoon in the windowsill. “I’m going to take Vicchan out really quick.”

 

Victor gave him a kiss on the cheek as he prepared himself to go outside. “Okay, I’ll go ahead and start some breakfast. How about some fruit salad?”

 

“Sounds perfect. I’ll be right back.”

 

Once Victor was alone in the apartment he went to the kitchen to focus on breakfast. But it was too quiet. Now that he knew Yuuri was in a funk, he was determined to make it better. But with limited resources in his apartment, he didn’t quite know what to do.

 

The fruit salad was easy enough to make, which left him plenty of time to get things ready for the day. He set up Yuuri’s PS4 that he’s brought over two weeks prior. He loaded up his favorite game and put on the oil diffuser with Lavender and peppermint. The lavender was relaxing and the mint reminded Yuuri of the bath salts from the onsen he grew up in. With the flip of a switch the apartment lit up with the gentle, warm light of his fairy lights. He’d originally draped them around for when they made their first blanket nest and never felt the need to take them down.

 

Victor started scrambling some eggs for their protein when Yuuri came back with Vicchan.

 

“What’s this?” Victor heard Yuuri’s confused voice come from the doorway.

 

He smiled as he leaned away from the eggs he was cooking. “You said you were having a bad day.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes teared up with affection for his boyfriend. He walked over to Victor, wrapped an arm around his waist, and kissed him on the cheek as he continued working with the eggs. “What did I do to deserve you?”

 

“Hmm,” Victor sighed, leaning into the embrace. “Just became my personal mailman.”

 

“Ugh, Vitya. That sounds like a bad porno.”

 

Victor took the bait without hesitation. “Did you come to deliver my special package just for me, Mr. Mailman?”

 

Yuuri let out a sound that was a mix between a laugh and a moan. “I take it back. I take it all back. I don’t deserve this torture.”

 

“Aww come on; you know you love it.”

 

Yuuri smiled at him before placing a kiss on his nose. “You’re right. I do. Now come on, let’s eat these eggs before they get cold.”

 

They moved their affections to the couch where the rest of their day was set up.

 

“These eggs are delicious, Vitya. Thank you.”

 

Victor practically purred at the use of the familiar nickname. Ever since he told Yuuri about the diminutive, he’s done his best to use it all the time. It was a simple thing really. But it made him feel cared for. It made him feel loved.

 

He watched as Yuuri played his game; occasionally asking about how it worked. But for the most part he stayed silent. And Victor was okay with this. He knew that Yuuri needed to just be in his own head at times.

 

He’d been playing for about an hour when Yuuri spoke up. “Have you ever thought about therapy?”

 

Victor flinched back in confusion. The words seemed so blunt. “What do you mean?”

 

“I mean, have you ever thought about getting a therapist.”

 

Victor felt his chest tighten with something he couldn't quite describe. Anger? Fear? It didn’t matter. All that mattered was the sick feeling in his stomach at Yuuri’s words.

 

“No,” Victor swallowed around the lump in his throat. Panic? Sadness? “Why would I? I don’t need it.”

 

Yuuri paused his game and turned to look at Victor fully. “Don’t need- don’t need it. Vitya. Can you look me in the eyes and say that honestly, without a doubt, that’s true?”

 

Victor stood in frustration and began to pace. “I don’t Yuuri. I’m happy! There’s nothing wrong with me!” His voice was raising in volume as he let his frustration and anger get the better of him.

 

But the look he received from Yuuri in return wasn’t one of anger, but of worry. “Vitya-”

 

“Don’t. Don’t Vitya me.” The diminutive felt like a slap. Like he was being pitied. It was patronizing.

 

Yuuri jumped to his feet. “You can’t go outside Victor!” His shout rang through the apartment. “You can’t go outside,” he repeated, softer this time. Almost a whisper. “How is that okay?”

 

“Why does everyone judge me for that! I thought you understood.” A sob burst from his throat. His emotional strength used up for the day.

 

Yuuri reached out to grab his shoulders. A comforting gesture that felt alienating. “I do understand. Believe me, I do. But sometimes you just need a little extra help.”

 

“No. You aren’t listening to me. I’m not broken.”

 

Yuuri’s hands fell from Victor’s shoulders. His face fell with shock. “Broken?” The word sounded as such when it left his lips.

 

The sudden change in demeanor caught Victor off guard, scaring him. “Yuuri?” He moved his hand to grab at Yuuri’s, only to be met with thin air.

 

“I-I can’t. I can’t do this.” Yuuri stumbled backwards, turning to gather Vicchan in his arms. “I. I have to go.”

 

“Wait, Yuuri!” But he was too late. Yuuri had bolted for the door, slamming it behind him. 

 

The apartment fell in an echoing silence. The only sound that cut through was thee muffled video game music playing in the background.

 

“Wait… I didn’t mean,” VIctor whispered to his empty apartment. The too empty apartment.

 

Suddenly, he remembered. Yuuri saw a therapist.

 

He just called his boyfriend broken.

 

“Oh god. OH GOD!” Victor fell to his knees. They were no longer able to hold his weight.

 

“What have I done?!” He sobbed into his hands, his body curling in on itself.

 

The apartment eccoed with his sobs. His sobs morphed into hyperventilation.

 

He hyperventilated until blackness consumed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoooo boy. These two need to learn some communication skills! 
> 
> Sorry for this one being super short. This chapter had an arc to it and if I added anything else I felt like it wouldn't have been necessary. 
> 
> The next chapter is already written, but Imma be evil and make ya wait for it ehehehehehe. SUSPENSE!!! 
> 
> There will be warnings at the beginning of the next chapter for some sensitive stuff, so make sure to mind them if that applies to you.
> 
> Feel free to keep updated on my happenings at bluetrekskates.tumblr.com or my regular fandom one megisnotarobot.tumblr.com
> 
> Next time: Healing isn't linear. Even the strongest can crumble.


	9. Relapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****TRIGGER WARNING*****  
> There is a graphic incident of self harm and the fall out from it in this chapter. There is also a severe panic attack and possible triggering conversations about self harm and suicidal idealization. If this triggers you, I would recommend skipping to the end notes to read the chapter summary.
> 
> If you have any thoughts about self harm or suicide, please reach out to others and get the help you deserve. You don't have to go through this alone, I promise <3.
> 
> This ( http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines ) is a link for a bunch of suicide hotlines for different countries. If you don't see yours on there, let me know and I will do my best to find it for you.
> 
> Take care of yourself first and foremost and I hope you enjoy this chapter<3

Yuuri fumbled with his keys one handed as he tried to get in his apartment. He dropped them three times before he finally managed to get them into the door. He quickly bolted into his apartment, setting down Vicchan before leaning heavily against the door.

 

His breathing wasn’t holding up The tiny logical voice in the back of his head knew that he was hyperventilating, but right now his anxious brain was in control. 

 

Broken.

 

Broken.

 

_ Broken. _

 

The word was looping in his head like a scratched record.

 

Victor thought he was broken. And obviously he was. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t help his boyfriend.

 

Hell, Victor was probably having a panic attack of his own right now. And Yuuri was too broken to fix it.

 

Too much.

 

Too much.

 

_ Too much. _

 

His brain was too much. His thoughts too much. His emotions too much.

 

Stop.

 

Stop.

 

_ Stop. _

 

He was barely thinking. All he knew was that he wanted the too much to stop. In his panicked state there was only one way he knew how to do that.

 

He was gasping for breath as he stumbled over to the kitchen. Logical brain would say to go get water and calm down.

 

Logical brain was gone at the moment.

 

Instead he reached for the knife block. Any knife would do, so he didn’t really pay attention to which one he grabbed. He hastily rolled up his sleeve. If you looked closely you could see the markings of other battles he lost.

 

He lost one more that day.

 

He was still gasping as he dragged the knife through the sensitive skin  of his forearm. 

 

The pain as the blade broke the skin was stinging. Quick.

 

Clear.

 

His eyes widened as he looked at his arm. Bright red seeping down his arm and dripping on the tile below.

 

“No. No. Shit shit shit!” He cursed at himself for what he’d just done.

 

He all but threw the offending knife in the sink. The clatter of metal hitting metal echoed through the apartment.

 

He sank to the floor and fished his phone out of his pocket with trembling hands. He tried to ignore the blood that was dripping down his arm and seeping into his baby blue sweater.

 

He’d bought it because it matched Victor’s eyes.

 

He sobbed as he struggled to punch in Phichit’s contact. He was shaking so much that he could barely see.

 

“Come on, come on, come on,” he chanted as he waited for his friend to answer.

 

Phichit picked up on the 5th ring. “Hey, Yuuri! What’s up?”

 

“Phi-Phichit,” he stuttered, trying to talk around stuttering breaths.

 

At the tell tale sound of Yuuri’s labored breathing Phichit immediately went into protective mode. “Woah, hey hey. What’s going on? What happened? Can you breathe for me?”

 

“I fucked up Phi. I fucked up so bad!” His whole body trembled with his sobs. He was honestly surprised Phichit could understand anything he was saying.

 

Phichit tried to hush him through the phone, but his soothing words could only do so much over the tiny receiver. “Okay, Yuuri? I’m on my way. I’ll be there in about twenty minutes, but I need you to calm down for me. Can you do that?”

 

“I can’t. I can’t”

 

“Yes, you can Yuuri. You just need to breathe. Just breathe with me okay? In for four: one, two, three, four. Out for eight: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Good.” Phichit talked Yuuri through the breathing exercise until his breath finally evened out. “That’s it. Feel a little better?”

 

Yuuri groaned into the phone. “Not really. Now I just feel empty. Raw.”

 

“I know. I’m almost there, but did you want to tell me what happened?”

 

Yuuri looked down at his arm. While the cut wasn’t deep enough to warrant stitches, it was very long. The damage the blood wrought made his kitchen look like a crime scene. The blood had already started to scab over, which was a plus, but the damage was done to his shirt, his pants, his kitchen.

 

His arm.

 

“Yuuri? You still with me?”

 

“Sorry.” Yuuri shook himself as he came out of his stupor. Phichit always helped bring him back to earth. “Sorry, I just… I cut myself.”

 

Phichit took in a sharp breath. That gasp cut his heart as deeply as the blade had cut his arm. It was heavy and dripping with the disappointment that he knew Phichit must be feeling towards him. “Do you still have the knife, or razor or whatever it was you used?”

 

“No. I did one cut, but then I realized what I was doing. So I threw it in the sink.”

 

“That’s good. You stopped yourself from doing anymore harm, and that’s what really matters. Hang on a sec.” Yuuri heard an elevator ding on the other side. “Is your door unlocked?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay good.” With a click the call was disconnected. Seconds later his front door opened.

 

“Yuuri?” Phichit called out into the apartment.

 

“In here.” His voice was so small as he called out to his best friend. He winced as his voice cracked from all of the heightened emotions he had been feeling.

 

Phichit immediately rushed into the kitchenette where Yuuri was curled in a ball. He carefully crouched in front of him with a concerned look on his face. “Can I touch you?”

 

“But… the blood.”

 

“I don’t care. It’ll wash out. Can I touch you.”

 

Yuuri nodded. He needed the comfort. His friend’s grounding touch.

 

At his approval Phichit wrapped his arms around Yuuri’s compact form. It was awkward, but he didn’t care. All that mattered was that he wasn’t alone anymore.

 

Yuuri felt like crying again, but he had no more tears to shed.

 

Instead he focused on keeping his breathing even. If he hyperventilated one more time, he would probably pass out.

 

After a few minutes of sitting in their strange embrace, Phichit spoke up. “As much as I would love to stay camped out on your kitchen floor, we should probably clean your cut. We don’t want it to get infected.”

 

Yuuri just grumbled in response. He didn’t want to get up. He just wanted to become one with the kitchen floor, for it to swallow him whole. But he knew Phichit was right.

 

Phichit helped him unfold before pulling him up to his feet. He staggered a bit, having sat curled up for so long. The blood loss didn’t help either. Phichit put his arm around his waist to support him as they stumbled to the bathroom. Yuuri sank to the edge of the tub so Phichit could clean him up.

 

“This is going to sting a bit,” he said apologetically as he brought a washcloth to clean his arm.

 

“I know.” Yuuri was almost startled at how dead his voice sounded. But then again, he was to emotionally exhausted to feel much of anything.

 

Phichit gently wiped his arm, cleaning away the dried and fresh blood. As he continued his ministrations, he spoke up in a soft voice. “I’m proud of you.”

 

Yuuri scoffed. “Why? I fucked up. I just cut myself for the first time in three years.”

 

“Exactly. It’s been three years, Yuuri. That’s so good. And what’s more, you stopped yourself. To me, that takes more strength.”

 

“I shouldn’t have even cut in the first place. I’m-” Yuuri swallowed around the lump that was suddenly lodged in his throat. He felt the tears start to build up again. God he was sick of crying. “I’m broken.”

 

Phichit gasped and grabbed Yuuri’s shoulders. “That’s absolute bull shit. You are  _ not  _ broken, Yuuri Katsuki. Who would say such a thing?”

 

“Victor.”

 

There was a moment of silent before Phichit responded. His voice sounding absolutely deadly. “What.”

 

Yuuri sighed and placed his head in his free hand. “We had an argument. I told him he should see a therapist and he got defensive. He was saying how he didn’t need one because he ‘wasn’t broken’. I was already having a low day, so that sort of pushed me over the edge.”

 

Phichit didn’t respond right away. Yuuri knew he was probably thinking of what he wanted to say, but his anxiety was still so on edge that it made him nervous. But eventually he did reply. “If he’s anything like you’ve told me, I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that.” Phichit turned to grab the peroxide and gauze he had set out. “I mean, yeah, that was a dick move. But he was probably talking more about himself than he was you. If he really needs therapy like you say he does, then it was most likely a self deprecating comment in disguise.” He carefully wrapped the fresh bandages around his arm. “But, if he did mean it, you know I’m going to kick his ass.”

 

“Thanks Peach. But you’re right. He probably didn’t mean it.” Yuuri took his arm from Phichit and absentmindedly rubbed his arm over the wound. He was so exhausted. His anxiety attack had left him completely empty.

 

His mind couldn’t help but wander to the argument. He couldn’t lie; Victor had hurt him. But he knew they could fix it if they just talked to each other about their issues.

 

“I’m glad you called,” Phichit said, rubbing Yuuri’s knee to bring his attention back to the present. “I wouldn’t want you to deal with this by yourself.”

 

“Yeah,” Yuuri nodded, not really paying attention. He was still worried about Victor. Victor, who was all by himself. Victor, who probably had an anxiety disorder. That thought made his blood run cold. “Wait, I have to go.” Yuuri tried to run out of the room only to be stopped by Phichit grabbing his wrist. “Woah man. Where do you think you’re going?”

 

“I have to go check on Victor. He’s all by himself and probably having a panic attack.”

 

“Are you kidding me? No no no. I’m vetoing that.” Phichit pulled him out of the bathroom and towards his bedroom. “Even if he didn’t mean to, he hurt you, Yuuri. You need space and you need to take care of yourself  _ first.” _

 

“But-”

 

“But nothing. We are staying here for the rest of the day.” Phichit deposited him on his bed before turning to his dresser. He pulled out an old t-shirt and sweats, throwing them at Yuuri. “Change out of that. Then we are calling your therapist, and don’t even  _ try _ to protest. You know you need to do it. Then, if she doesn’t want to see you right now, we are ordering take out from that Japanese place you like because you deserve some fucking katsudon.”

 

“Yes mom,” Yuuri drawled, shrugging out of his ruined sweater. He knew Phichit was right; he needed to call his therapist. But every time he had to for emergencies like this, he was afraid that he would get admitted. He’d already been admitted too many times in his life for his taste. And he did need to focus on his own self care today. As much as he wanted to make sure Victor was alright, he needed to save himself first before he could save anyone else.

 

He felt better once he was in his soft clean clothes. Throwing the sweater in the trash, he followed Phichit to the living room. He curled up on the couch as Phichit went to retrieve his phone from the kitchen. 

 

As he waited for Phichit to return he tried not to work himself up over calling his therapist.

 

He wasn’t doing too well so far.

 

When he returned, the phone was placed in Yuuri’s hand. The phone sat in his palm like a brick. The black screen glared at him ominously. “I don’t want to do this.”

 

“I know you don’t. But you have to.”

 

“I mean… do I?” Yuuri tried to gain some sympathy from Phichit, but he just gave him  _ the look; _ the one he always gave him when he knew Yuuri was full of shit. “Ugh. I know, I have to.” He paused, unlocking his phone and pulling up his therapist’s contact. “I just… I don’t want to go to the hospital again.”

 

“I know. I don’t want you to either. But honestly, I don’t think she’ll send you. And even if she does, it will be okay. Phichit grabbed his free hand and squeezed it in encouragement. “I’m here for you either way.”

 

Yuuri nodded and rested his head against Phichit’s shoulder. “Right. Well. Best get this over with.” Before he could change his mind, he hit the call button.

 

It only rang three times before she answered. “Dr. Young speaking.”

 

Yuuri’s heart jumped to his throat. She answered, which meant he was going to have to actually talk about what happened. “Hi Dr. Young, this is Yuuri Katsuki.”

 

Her voice immediately brightened at the sound of her long time client. “Yuuri! Yes, what’s going on? Did you need to reschedule your next appointment? We weren’t supposed to see each other for another month, correct?”

 

“Correct. But… that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. I.. um.” He took in a shuddering breath. Phichit squeezed his hand; a silent reminder that he was not alone. “I just needed to let you know that I just relapsed. I cut myself.”

 

Dr. Young didn’t miss a beat, her cheerful tone turned serious. “Thank you for calling me, Yuuri. I know that’s hard. I have a few questions for you so that we can figure out how best to proceed. Do you feel comfortable continuing this conversation over the phone, or would you rather come into my office now?”

 

Yuuri inwardly groaned at the idea of leaving his apartment at all for the rest of the weekend, let alone the day. “I’m okay continuing on the phone.”

 

“Alright, good. Do you still want to hurt yourself, or do you believe you are in any danger of hurting yourself in the near future.”

 

He sighed in frustration, taking his hand back from Phichit and bringing it instinctively up to his hair to pull at it. Phichit immediately recognized the self destructive behavior and pulled his hand back into his, giving Yuuri a worried look. Realizing what he did caused Yuuri to panic a bit, but he continued the call. “I don’t know. Kind of? But more because I want to punish myself for hurting myself. So I don’t think it will happen again. At least. not today.”

 

“Okay. Are you suicidal or making any plans to kill yourself?”

 

Yuuri physically cringed at the suggestion. “No. Absolutely not. I have my boyfriend, my dream job, my dog. I couldn’t ever dream of leaving that.”

 

“Good to know.” She paused, Yuuri assumed to decide what to do with him. “Based on your responses, I don’t believe I have to see you at the hospital today.” Yuuri let out a sigh of relief. “However, I don’t like the idea of you being by yourself, just in case you relapse again.”

 

“Oh don’t worry. My friend Phichit is here with me. I don’t think I could get him to leave if I tried,” he said with a laugh.

 

Phichit gave him a wink. “Damn right you couldn’t.”

 

“Perfect. I want you to be under supervision for the weekend and then I need to see you in my office first thing Monday morning.

 

Yuuri nodded before realizing that she couldn’t actually see him. God his brain was fried. “Yes, absolutely.”

 

“And if you get an unstoppable urge to hurt yourself, or if you are starting to contemplate suicide, have him take you to the hospital  _ immediately _ ,” she commanded sternly.

 

“Of course Doctor. I’ll see you Monday morning.”

 

“See you then. And Yuuri?”

 

“Yes Doctor?”

 

Her voice had switched back to her normal gentle tamber. “Remember. This isn’t a failure. Just a little bit of a bump in the road.” 

 

He relaxed his shoulders at her words. “I’m trying to believe that, but it’s hard.”

 

“I know it is. That’s why I’m here; to tell you until you believe it yourself.”

 

“Thank you Doctor.”

 

“Anytime Yuuri. See you Monday.”

 

Once he hung up, he slumped back into the couch, completely done. “That’s it. I’m done with everything for the day.”

 

Phichit snorted. “Even Katsudon?”

 

Yuuri opened his eyes to glare at his best friend. “Don’t you dare speak such slander in _ my  _ house.” 

 

“Aww, you know I’m kidding.” Phichit nudged him with his knee.

 

“I’ll know it once I see that extra large katsudon bowl in front of my face.” Yuuri curled back into the couch, his eyes closing against his will.

 

“Feel like taking a nap for a bit?”

 

“Feel like sleeping for the next ten years,” Yuuri mumbled as he smashed his face into the couch cushion.

 

“Well you can’t sleep for ten years. How about I wake you up when dinner’s here?”

 

Yuuri just grunted, not having enough energy to even form a coherent response. As he started to drift off, he felt his weighted blanket being draped over him. He smiled to himself at the gesture. Of course Phichit would remember that he loved that blanket for his anxiety.

 

Reveling in the warm and heavy protection of the blanket, Yuuri drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOOOOO MANNNNN THAT WAS A DOOOZZYYYYYY
> 
> So if you didn't read, here is a summary of what transpired: Yuuri had a severe panic attack in which he cut himself. Once he realized what he did, he called Phichit so he could come over. Phichit comes and helps him recover and makes him call his therapist. The therapist asks about his mental state and determines that Yuuri doesn't need to come to the hospital, but that he should be under supervision until he can come into her office and see her on Monday. Phichit stays with him for the rest of the day.
> 
> But seriously, do not suffer alone. I promise that there are people out there who care about you, no matter how alone you feel. I've struggled with multiple anxiety and depressive disorders for my whole life, so I understand <3
> 
> On a lighter note, I am almost done with the next chapter! It is going to be MUCH lighter than this one, but there will still be discussions of some triggering material, so make sure to look at the warnings before you read.
> 
> Next time: Yuuri and Victor have a much needed conversation.
> 
> P.S. Idk if there are any lifeguards out there, but I kind of referenced a thing my swimming coach always said in lifeguard training: You can't save others if you can't save yourself. This applies outside of swimming too! You have to take care of yourself before you take care of others. Don't harm yourself trying to help others, especially if your own mental well being is at stake.


	10. Moving Forward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So some trigger warnings for this chapter. There is talk of past self harm, suicide attempts and hospitalization. There are also mentions of old scars. There is smut at the end of the chapter. I'll have a summary at the end for those who need to skip.
> 
> Otherwise, enjoy!

The next morning Yuuri woke up feeling heavy, but rested. It felt as if he had slept for the entire weekend. He had a slight headache behind his eyes from all of the crying he had done yesterday, and his arm throbbed dully; but other than that he felt better than he had yesterday, physically, at least.  

 

He opened his eyes to see Phichit lying next to him with his arms in a death grip around his pillow. Even though Yuuri technically had a guest bedroom, Phichit never used it. They’d known each other for so long that sleeping in a separate room seemed silly.

 

Yuuri smiled at his sleeping friend. Phichit really was the best friend he could ask for. He’d stuck by Yuuri ever since he came to America, anxiety and all.

 

Part of him was tempted to be annoying and wake him up, but he knew that Phichit also had an emotionally taxing day yesterday. Watching your best friend crumble to pieces in front of you would be enough to cause anyone pain.

 

Instead, Yuuri showed sympathy on the sleeping Thai man, choosing to roll over and grab his phone for entertainment. His plan was to mindlessly scroll through social media, but instead he was face to face with a text from Victor.

 

**From: Vitya <3**

 

_ Are you up? _

 

He’d sent it at 8.

 

It was now 10.

 

Taking a deep breath, he replied. He wasn’t exactly ready to face Victor first thing in the morning, but he knew his boyfriend had been alone through everything yesterday and deserved his attention.

 

**To: Vitya <3**

 

_ I am. Why, what’s up? _

 

Yuuri stared at the message screen, waiting for the grey dots to appear. When they never came, Yuuri assumed that Victor just went back to sleep and decided to join suite.

 

But Just as Yuuri was about to drift off again, he heard knocking at his front door.

 

“Ugh.” He groaned into his pillow, as if the noise would ward off the sound. It was too early for him to be dealing with strangers; especially considering his day yesterday.

 

But the stranger wasn’t having it. Even as Yuuri stayed in bed, ignoring the knocking, it never stopped. In fact, as time went on, the knocking only got louder and became more frantic.

 

“Take that doorknob and shove it where the sun don’t shine,” Phichit mumbled, nuzzling into the blankets.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Yuuri grumbled in reply. He hoisted himself out of bed and shoved his glasses on his face. As an afterthought, he grabbed the blanket he’d been sleeping with before heading out into the cold apartment to face his rude awakening.

 

“I’m coming. Hang on,” he said, almost scolding the door. He racked his brain for who would want to see him so desperately on a Sunday, but was coming up blank. Whoever it was, it couldn’t possibly warrant attacking his door with such vigor.

 

Oh, but it did.

 

He opened the door, only to be face to face with the last person he’d expect to see.

 

Victor.

 

His brain immediately went into crisis mode. Victor was here. In the hallway. Outside of his apartment. One look at his face and the hitching of his shoulders was all the motivation he needed to get Victor inside. “Oh my god, Victor. Come in, come in. What are you-”

 

Yuuri cut himself off as Victor rushed into the apartment. Yuuri gently closed the door behind him before facing Victor.

 

He looked… rough, to say the least. His already messy hair was a complete travisty; knots had been worked into it from worrying fingers, and what wasn’t knotted was stringy with dried sweat. His eyes were darkened with under eye bags. Hell, he was still in the same, now rumpled, clothes as yesterday.

 

But his physical appearance wasn’t important right now. What was important was that Victor was curled up on the floor. His eyes wide with panic as his breaths cam in rough gasps.

 

Yuuri sprang into action. He quickly grabbed the weighted blanket that was still on the couch from yesterday and draped it over his shoulders. He couldn’t help but think how cute he looked bundled up like that, but quickly shook the thought from his mind. Now wasn’t the time to think about that; he had a panicking boyfriend to comfort. 

 

He focused back on the problem at hand. Taking one of Victor’s hands in his own, he placed it on his chest; his free hand, he placed on Victor’s. “Breathe with me, Victor. In, and out. Good. Keep going. Just like we’ve always done.” He coached Victor through his breathing until it was finally even. “There we go. Any better?”

 

Victor let out a strained chuckle. “Other than feeling like I got ran over by a train, yeah I’m great. But I always feel this way after a panic attack.” 

 

“I know the feeling.” Yuuri nodded still crouching at Victor’s eye level. Now that Victor’s panic was gone though, Yuuri was beginning to realize how numb his legs were. “Want to move this party to the couch? I bet it’s a lot more comfortable than the wood floor.”

 

Victor groaned in protest. “You’re probably right, but getting up takes too much effort.”

 

“Okay come on,” Yuuri sighed, fishing Victor’s hands out of the blanket. “Up we get.” With a grunt, Yuuri hoisted Victor to his feet.

 

Once they shuffled to the couch, Victor sunk down on one end, curling into a ball once he was comfortable.

 

Before joining him, Yuuri disappeared into the kitchen to grab a couple of glasses of water. As he waited for the slow refrigerator to fill each glass, he took a moment to steady himself. It seemed like this weekend was just one emotional roller coaster on top of another. And he knew he needed to add to it before the day was done. Victor needed comfort, yes. But Phichit was right; Yuuri needed to take care of himself if he expected to be able to care for Victor in any capacity. And in order to do that, Victor had to understand where he was coming from.

 

That means having the hard conversations.

 

Not able to postpone this any longer, Yuuri went back to join his burrito of a boyfriend. He handed the chilled glass to the blob as a peace offering. “Drink. You’ll feel better.”

 

Victor obeyed, bringing the glass to his mouth with shaking hands.

 

Once Yuuri was satisfied that Victor was properly hydrated, he decided to push a bit for information. “Why did you come over? Ahh, that sounded bad. I mean, it’s not that I mind it, but-”

 

“Yuuri I’m so sorry.” Victor interrupted his rambling with a pleading look in his eyes. “I messed up so bad. I wasn’t thinking when I was talking yesterday. I wasn’t calling you broken; at least I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean any of it. I hope you can forgive me.”

 

Yuuri took a sip of water before answering him. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing; didn’t want to scare him off. Because, god, was Victor so easily scared. Like a frightened little bunny rabbit, never feeling fully safe to let go. No, he didn’t want to scare him, but he was done dancing around their issues.

 

They were going to sit down and they were going to communicate, whether they liked it or not.

 

But before he could answer Victor, a sleepy Phichit entered the scene. “It’s too early for all this noise,” he yawned as he stretched, causing his shirt to lift a bit, exposing the tanned muscles underneath.

 

“Sorry Peach, go back to sleep. We’re all good out here.” That was kind of a lie, but the problems they had were for them alone.

 

Phichit looked as though he was going to agree until he saw that Yuuri wasn’t alone. “Wait, who’s this? A new best friend? Yuuri! I am offended!” Phichit protested in mock offense.

 

Yuuri could see panic etched into Victor’s body language. He reached out a hand to him in support and Victor took it readily.

 

“Come on Phichit. No one could replace you. Don’t be ridiculous.” Yuuri looked at Victor and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. “This is my boyfriend, Victor.”

 

Phichit perked to attention. “Ahh so I finally get to meet you.” A look crossed his face that Yuuri couldn’t decipher. Irritation? Judgement? Confusion?

 

Whatever it was, it was gone in a flash and replaced with his signature instagram worthy smile. But Yuuri knew Phichit well enough by now to know that he was seething with some negative emotion underneath. “For the most part, Yuuri’s told me you make him very happy.”

 

As if a switch was flipped, the emotion that was underneath flooded to the forefront of his expression. His cheerful smile was gone and was replaced by a look with almost murderous intent. With the now false smile on his face, he looked ready to pounce. “But you mark my words Nikiforov. If you ever,  _ ever _ hurt him like that again, I  _ will _ kick your pretty ass to the curb. Do I make myself clear?”

 

To Yuuri’s surprise, instead of shrinking in on himself, Victor nodded vigorously in agreement. “Oh don’t you worry. If I hurt him like that again, you wouldn’t have to. I would do it myself.”

 

Seemingly satisfied with himself, Phichit nodded and relaxed out of his aggressive posture.

 

Yuuri chuckled at his friend who was obviously fighting off sleep where he was standing. “That was a wonderful shovel talk Peach, now go back to sleep.”

 

Phichit gave him a weak thumbs up before turning back to Yuuri’s bedroom.

 

“Now, where were we?” Yuuri asked, turning his attention back to his boyfriend.

 

Victor’s gaze was turned to where their hands were joined. A soft smile was on his face, appreciating the gesture.

 

Until he wasn’t.

 

Victor’s eyes widened in alarm as his gaze fell upon the stark white gauze that was still wrapped securely around his arm. He grabbed his wrist gently and turned his gaze up to Yuuri. “Oh my god. Yuuri, what happened?”

 

Yuuri felt himself freeze, locking his eyes with the bandage on his arm.

 

His brain fell into the familiar dark spiral. His thoughts twisting in on each other in a jagged, dark dance.

 

Weak.

 

He was  _ weak. _

 

_ Broken. _

 

Through the haze of his building panic, he felt Victor squeeze his hands. “Yuuri? Are you still with me?”

 

The strength of his grip and the sound of his voice helped ground him in reality. “Sorry, yeah. I just-” Yuuri stopped, taking in a deep breath. The needed to have this conversation.

 

No.  _ He _ needed to have this conversation.

 

Yuuri looked up at Victor. He held his gaze as he prepared himself to lay his soul bare. He took in one long, slow breath before saying, “I relapsed.

 

The apartment was still. Silent. Yuuri was focused in on Victor’s face; he searched it for any sign of judgement or disgust. But all he found was confusion.

 

“Relapse?” he asked. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand.”

 

Yuuri felt his stomach sour with anxiety. He knew he was going to have to talk about it, but now that he was actually doing it, he was terrified. What if Victor didn’t want to deal with him and all of his emotional baggage? But he thought to himself, no, he needed to tell him. Victor deserved to know what he was getting into.

 

He took in another breath that was too shaky to be comforting and pressed on. “I relapsed,”he repeated, stronger this time. “I… I cut myself.”

 

Victor’s look of confusion morphed into one of great concern. “Yuuri-I-why?” he stuttered, trying to find the right words. “Did… did what i say make you … make you want to hurt yourself.”

 

Yuuri felt sympathy in his heart for the man in front of him. Victor’s eyes were glistening with unshed tears; Yuuri doubted he’d ever dealt with something like this before. “You didn’t make me do this, Vitya. I was already having a bad anxiety day, so our conversation was honestly just a trigger for something that was bound to happen eventually.”

 

Yuuri’s attempt at comfort didn’t seem to work; as soon as he was tone talking, the tears in Victor’s eyes began to flow freely.

 

“I didn’t mean-I.” Suddenly Yuuri was filled with a lap full of Russian as his octopus of a boyfriend comforted him. “I’m so sorry Yuuri. I’m sorry.”

 

“Shh, it’s okay,” Yuuri tried to console his boyfriend by rubbing soothing circles into his back. “I mean, it’s not okay. But that’s why I’m talking to you about it.”

 

Victor’s tears eventually dried, but he remained curled in Yuuri’s grasp. Because he was so closely nestled in Yuuri, he could barely hear when he whispered, “What can I do to help?”

 

Yuuri thought for a moment on what he was going to say. He didn’t want to sugar coat it, but Victor was also raw right now. Almost as raw as he was. “Listen, I guess,” was his reply. He tapped Victor’s shoulder before trying to sit up. If he was going to go through this, he needed to not feel trapped, even if it was from a hug. Any restriction he did not initiate would just irritate his already raw anxiety.

 

Once he settled himself, he began. “The exact trigger for me was when you said that you didn’t need therapy because you weren't broken.”

 

Victor nodded solemnly. “I knew right when you left that particular phrase had hurt you. I wasn't thinking at the time.”

 

“I kinda figured that,” Yuuri chuckled. “But, I need you to understand why.”

 

Victor nodded in a silent approval, giving Yuuri permission to start.

 

“I had my first panic attack when I was seven years old.” Yuuri glanced up at Victor to see if he was going to say anything. He wasted for Victor to urge him on before continuing. “I wish I could say that it was some big, dramatic life event that caused it; but I honestly can’t remember. I probably forgot a homework assignment or something stupid like that.

 

“When it happened, my parents didn’t know what was going on. They figured it was an asthma attack or something, since I couldn’t breathe and my chest hurt. So, they took me to the ER. Which only caused me to panic more, because you know, hospitals are scary.

 

“So anyway, we get in, doctors do a bunch of tests, and they found nothing. Absolutely nothing was wrong with me. They told my parents that I was, and I quote ‘suffering from some mental weakness,’ and that I ‘would just grow out of it eventually.’” Yuuri let out a bitter laugh. As much as doctors were supposed to help heal, that one did damage that would last his entire life. “Yeah. I’ll just grow out of it. It’s been twenty years, and I still haven’t ‘just grown out of it.’”

 

Victor reached out and grabbed both of Yuuri’s hands with his. “That’s terrible. Who would say that? You were just a kid! Even if you weren’t, you don’t talk to someone like that.”

 

Yuuri just shrugged. “That’s just how things are in Japan, or at least how they were when I was growing up. Mental illness wasn’t talked about. If you had something wrong, you were told to get over it. If you couldn’t, you were just broken. Things have gotten marginally better, but only just enough.”

 

“That’s…. Awful.” The look of horror on his face pained Yuuri. He didn’t want Victor to feel bad for what he went through. Then again, he knew that he would be in the same place if Victor ever told him his story.

 

“It is. That’s why Japan has one of the highest suicide rates of any country.”

 

Victor looked like his heart was breaking for Yuuri. He squeezed his hand in comfort before continuing.

 

“As the years went on, the anxiety didn’t get better; it got worse. Every time I went to my parents for help they would just say that everything was okay and send me on my way. After a while, I just stopped telling them. Instead, I just… let my anxiety consume me.

 

“When I didn’t talk to them, I didn’t have an outlet for my pain. It would just keep building, and building. It got to the point where I was having panic attacks about having  panic attacks. I just couldn’t find a way out.

 

“One day when I was having an attack I just started pulling my hair. I just needed something,  _ anything, _ to ground me. And it worked. The pain brought me out of the attack faster than before. I...I was so excited,” Yuuri said bitterly. “I had finally found a way to stop the attacks. I was so young, I didn’t know any better.

 

“But, realistically I knew I couldn’t keep pulling my hair. I was just a kid! I couldn’t go bald.

 

“So, I looked for other ways. I tried slapping myself, but that made me panic more. Same thing when I tried burning myself.”

 

Yuuri paused to take in a shaky breath. Victor’s eyes were flowing freely with tears at this point. He didn’t want to make him cry more, but he wasn’t anywhere near done. So, he continued. “When I was ten I cut myself for the first time.”

 

“Oh Yuuri,” Victor sobbed. “That’s so young.”

 

Yuuri simply nodded, rubbing his thumb across the back of Victor’s hand. “It was. But at the time it was the only thing I could think of to cope.

  
  


“For years this went on. Anxiety attack, cut. Make a mistake, cut. I didn’t think anything was wrong with it. My mom saw a cut once though. When she asked what happened I lied. I said I was messing around with my dad’s razor.” Yuuri let out an empty laugh at the memory. “She yelled at him for keeping something so dangerous in my reach.

 

“From that moment on, I knew I needed to hide it. I didn’t want my mom to take away the one thing keeping me alive.”

 

Victor looked at him in shock. “Keeping you alive? Yuuri, you were ten.”

 

“And I was suicidal. I didn’t know the word for it at the time, but I was.”

 

Yuuri took back his hands and started to fidget with the edge of the blanket that stayed on the back of the couch. He knew what he needed to say next, but he absolutely dreaded it.

 

“May 2004. I was fourteen at the time. The kids at school had been bullying me because of my weight. I’d always been a chubby, nerdy kid, but once it became apparent that it wasn’t just baby fat, the boys at school just dug in.

 

“One day I’d had enough. I decided I had struggled for too long. The doctors had told me I would grow out of it and I hadn’t. It wasn’t going to get any better. They were right. I was just broken.”

 

At this point almost all of the emotion had left his voice. It needed to if he was going to continue. “I went home from school. I wrote a note and everything. I set myself up in the bathroom and… did it the only way I knew how.” Yuuri held out his arm to show Victor. “See this long vertical line?” Victor, looking paler than ever, nodded. “That’s where I did it. It was deep. The… the deepest I’d ever gone.”

 

Yuuri gripped the blanket with white knuckles to steady himself. “My mom was the one who found me. She was on her way to my room with laundry when she heard me fall. I’m so grateful she found me when she did. If she hadn’t-” Yuuri broke off with a sob. He hadn’t even realized he had started to cry.

 

He looked up when he felt movement where Victor was sitting. He sat there with his arms out, an open invitation for Yuuri to hug him if needed.

 

Yuuri fell forward and accepted it readily. “I’m sorry! I don’t know why I’m crying. This happened years ago.”

 

Victor shushed him gently as he rocked him in his arms. “That doesn’t matter. Love, you’re talking about a time where you almost died. Of course you’re going to cry.” Victor continued to whisper words of comfort in his ear as he continued to cry.

 

Once his tears subsided, Yuuri continued from his place in Victor’s arms. “To this day I feel so guilty for what I put her through. The last thing I heard before I completely lost consciousness was my mother’s screams. I don’t think that sound will ever leave.” Yuuri shivered at the memory, almost able to hear his mother screaming.

 

“When I woke up I was in the hospital. They had me attached to some plasma so I could replenish the blood I lost. I needed ten stitches.”

 

“When I woke up, my parents were there. I could tell my mom had been crying. My dad, who never worries, looked like he was about to be sick with it. My mom started crying again when she noticed I was awake. She was apologising.  _ She  _ was. She said she was so sorry for noticing my pain sooner. That she would do anything to take my hurt away.” Yuuri teared up at the memory.

 

“Eventually the doctor came in to see what happened. I was terrified. I was worried that if they found out that I had tried to commit suicide that they would keep me at the hospital forever. Now, I know that’s ridiculous; but in my teenage brain that’s what made sense. I was broken. And hospitals were where broken people had to stay.

 

“But it turned out I didn’t have to worry about it. My dad said I had fallen in the onsen while I was cleaning with tools and had cut myself. THe doctor laughed and ruffled my hair, telling me to be more careful next time.

 

“When we got home that night my mom was  _ livid _ . To this day, I have never seen her that angry. My dad meant well, but it wasn’t the right thing to do.” Yuuri stopped to take a drink of water. He was starting to burn out, but he knew he was in the home stretch. 

 

Almost as if he could read his mind, Victor tapped Yuuri’s knee to get his attention. “You don’t have to tell the whole story today you know. I can only begin to imagine how emotionally exhausting this must be.”

 

“I know I don’t have to. But I also need to get this all out. If I don’t do it now, I won’t.” Victor nodded in understanding.

 

Taking one last sip of water, Yuuri went on. “That weekend my mom met with my English teacher, and family friend. Minako always had a soft spot for me because she said I could spin a story. Anyway, my mom told her what happened and she suggested to apply for a study abroad program in America. That way I could get away from the bullies and get help with my mental health in a place where it isn't as stigmatized.  Granted, America still has its problems; but at least they are a bit more open about mental wellness.

 

“So I applied. I didn’t want to at first, because of the money and everything. But my mom insisted.

 

“I was accepted into a program in Detroit, Michigan. That’s actually how I met Phichit.” Yuuri smiled at the memory of a young Phichit greeting him at the airport. He had absolutely no sense of personal space and had immediately tackle hugged him when he arrived. Phichit was determined to make him feel welcome no matter what. “His family was my host family. They became like a second real family, honestly.  Mâe and  Pôr helped me set up a health insurance plan for foreigners. They set up my therapist and psychiatrist appointments and made sure I went to every single one. And Phichit really helped. He’s my best friend, but first and foremost he’s my brother. I don’t know where I’d be without him.” Probably dead, he thought to himself. But Victor didn’t need to know that.

 

Victor chuckled nervously. “I have to admit, I’m relieved to hear that. I was a bit concerned when another man walked out of your room.”

 

“Oh god no!” Yuuri all but shouted. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love Peach, but like a brother.”

 

Yuuri ruffled the back of his hair nervously before continuing. “Anyway, after I moved to America I finally started to learn how to take care of myself. I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, panic disorder and depression. At first I thought that just labeled me as a freak, but then it felt good. It felt good to finally have a diagnosis. For a doctor to say that I wasn’t broken and that I had an illness that could be treated.

 

“I mean, my recovery wasn’t over night. There were times when I still thought I was broken. But my family was always there for me.”

 

“Did you stop hurting yourself when you came to America?” Victor looked at him cautiously, almost as if he was afraid to ask the question.

 

Yuuri laughed at himself bitterly, his body was a heavily painted canvas showing that simply wasn’t true. “Oh no. I had to be more crafty about it, but I still cut.”

 

Victor took his hand again and began rubbing his thumb across the back in a soothing motion. “What happened when they found out? Because I’m assuming they found out.”

 

They had finally reached the last point in his story that Yuuri wanted to cover. He looked up at Victor. Sweet, beautiful Victor, and hoped this wouldn’t be the part that drove him away.

 

“Since coming to America, I have been hospitalized three times.” He heard Victor take in a small gasp and felt him squeeze his hand. But as he made no movement to speak, Yuuri took his silence as permission to continue. “The first was my freshman year in high school. Second was my senior year of college. And third was my last year of grad school.”

 

“I’m so sorry Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri shook his head. He didn’t want Victor to feel sorry for him. He wanted him to understand that it’s okay to get help. “Don’t be sorry. I’m here because of those stints in the psych ward. The first two times I was forcibly admitted by my psychiatrist. The last time I admitted myself.”

 

Victor looked confused at his words. “I didn’t even know you could do that.”

 

“Yeah, I mean think about it. Say you have a chronic illness and you have medicine to maintain it. But sometimes you get a flare up and your medicine can’t help. So, you go to the hospital and they help you get to the point where your condition is manageable by yourself again. That makes sense right?”

 

Victor shrugged. “Well, yeah.”

 

“Same thing here. I had been hurting myself again. I was trying to use my good coping techniques, but nothing was working. I realized if I didn’t admit myself then I would be in danger of trying to kill myself again.” Yuuri rubbed his arm where his older scars were. He knew objectively that he had come leaps and bounds since he was last admitted, but as his hand caught on the fresh bandage, he couldn’t help but think he was back at square one.

 

Yuuri scratched at his arm with frustration as he let out a huff. “And before yesterday I had been clean. Ever since I left the hospital three years ago I hadn’t cut. And I know relapses happen,  _ I know. _ But I still feel like a failure. It’s like… I’ve done all of this work just to be back at square one.”

 

He was still scratching at his arm when Victor grabbed his hand to make him stop. He didn’t even realize he’d opened his cut again until he looked at the gauze. It was slowly turning red again. Without saying a word, Victor opened his blanket and pulled Yuuri in so that he was safe in his grasp.

 

Yuuri didn’t cry. He was done with tears. But he was hungry for touch. He  _ needed _ this.

 

Victor rocked him back and forth, whispering sweet nothings in his ear. Even if some of them were in Russian, the words washed over him like a soothing balm; as if the words themselves could heal his wounds.

 

Once he was calmer, Yuuri spoke up. “I guess the point of all of this is… this stuff happens to me. I’ve harmed myself, and I’ve tried to….” he couldn’t finish the sentence. He paused to take a steadying breath. “I’ve struggled with anxiety my entire life. And I have improved so much. But the truth is, I might be hospitalized again. Hell, I’ll most likely cut myself again.”

 

Yuuri pulled away from Victor to look him in the eyes. To seriously look at him. He felt his eyebrows furrow with determination. “I need to know you’ll stay with me. Being friends with me can be hard. Being in a relationship is harder. I know for the past month it’s been pretty easy, but there are times where my anxiety consumes me. I need to know if you can handle it. Because if we get serious about us, and I mean  _ really serious _ , I need to know that my mental illness won’t scare you away.”

 

He was practically shaking at this point. His nerves were completely fried and while he was completely exhausted, his anxiety caused his body to tremble. Victor didn’t respond immediately, which caused his brain to go into panic mode. He said too much too soon. He was asking Victor to do too much. He was just a burden.

 

But the rumbling baritone of Victor’s voice eventually pulled him from his mind, forcing him to focus on the present. The feeling of his lips brushing across his scalp grounded him. “Katsuki Yuuri. You are the strongest person I’ve ever met.” Yuuri looked up to meet Victor’s eyes, only to see his soft, adoring smile. “As you can see, I’m not perfect with my mental health either. I have a lot of crap to work through. And you’ve stuck with me. Even with my…. Quirks.” Yuuri giggled and bumped his head playfully against Victor’s shoulder. “It’s true! I can’t leave my apartment, and you still stay. SO of course I will stick with you, anxiety and all. That’s what a partnership is about, right?”

 

Yuuri couldn’t help but smile back. Victor, this crazy, adorable man. He was so lucky to have him.

 

Yuuri reached his head up and took Victor’s lips in a kiss. And a kiss. And a kiss. With each one he tried to portray how much he loved him. How he cherished him. How his weaknesses make him stronger.

 

The kisses became deeper. Now they were less sweet love and more desperate passion. Victor shrugged off the blanket they had been wrapped up in. Everything was starting to get hot and flush. They had built up so much emotion that it was pouring out as they desperately tried to hold each other closer. 

 

Until they fell.

 

They had been so wrapped up in their kisses that they seemed to forget they were on a tiny couch, not a big bed.

 

But even that couldn’t break the mood. They just laughed it off and continued with renewed vigor. THe floor was harder, but it had more space for their needs.

 

They sat there, with their arms wrapped so tightly around one another that they could almost touch themselves. Their mouths moved in perfect synchronicity. Gasping a part in time for breath before going back in again.

 

Everything was perfect. Well, it wasn't. They both needed a shower; their respective anxiety attacks causing their bodies to smell worse for ware. The floor was cold. Hell, Yuuri still had morning breath. But all of these little imperfections made the moment truly beautiful.

 

They were kissing and kissing and Yuuri could tell they were heading towards something more. “We should move this into the bedroom,” he breathed between kisses.

 

“But Phichit,” Victor mumbled against his lips.

 

Yuuri cursed internally. He didn’t want to kick out his best friend, but they hadn’t gotten to this point yet and he really didn’t want to ruin the mood. “It’s okay. I’ll take care of it.” He gave Victor one last kiss before heading to his room.

 

He leaned into the room before fully entering; he didn’t particularly want Phichit to see his growing problem. Phichit was scrolling through his phone lazily in the middle of Yuuri’s bed. “H-hey Peach?”

 

Phichit looked up from his phone with a sly smile on his face. “What are you two up to? I heard some interesting stuff out there.” He lifted his eyebrows suggestively.

 

“Can you please go take Vicchan out and get us some lunch… for like an hour?” Yuuri felt the blush grow across his face. God he felt like he was in college again, having to ask his roommate to leave so he could get laid. 

 

Phichit giggled, leaping out of bed to get dressed. “Sure sure. I’ll text you when I’m on my way back. I’ll give you two as looonngg as you need.”  He shrugged on his hoodie from yesterday and followed Yuuri out of the bedroom. He owed Phichit. Big time.

 

Phichit winked as he left with Vicchan. “Don’t have too much fun while I’m gone!”

 

Yuuri’s face was beet red. He wasn’t a prude, but there was something about the fact that Phichit was  _ distinctly _ aware that he was about to get laid that embarrassed him.

 

But he was brought back into the moment when Victor slipped his arms around his waist. He pulled him in so that he was flush against his body and nuzzled his nose in the crook of his neck. “Come,” he punctuated with a kiss. “We don’t have much time, so let’s make it count.”

 

Yuuri turned around in his grasp and wrapped his arms around Victor’s neck. Victor’s pupils were blown wide with desire and his lips were red from the kissing. Yuuri added one more before resting his forehead against Victor’s. “You’re right. Now where were we?” He squeezed in Victor once more before taking his hand and leading him to the bedroom.

 

Once they reached the bedroom, Yuuri ripped the comforter off of the bed so they didn’t get tangled in it. Yuuri turned back to Victor who was standing at the opposite side of the bed, his hands twisted in the edge of his shirt. He looked nervous, but wanting. Even so, Yuuri had to be sure. “Are you sure? You look like you had something on your mind.”

 

Victor nodded. He climbed up on the bed and crawled over to the other side, his hips slowly swaying in time. He stopped where Yuuri was standing and grabbed his hands, bringing the knuckles to his lips to kiss them. He looked up at Yuuri through his wispy, silver eyelashes. “Yuuri. You have taken care of me so much. Please. Let me take care of you.”

 

Yuuri was speechless. He knew Victor was amazing, but never in his wildest dreams did he think he could be so perfect. He took Victor’s face in his hands and gently caressed his cheeks. “Take me. I’m yours.”

 

With a smile, Victor tugged Yuuri so that he fell on the bed beside him. They giggled as they bounced on the springy bed. Victor tugged Yuuri up so that he was resting partially against the headboard. Yuuri pet at Victor’s hair as he loomed over Yuuri’s wanting form. Victor dove back towards Yuuri’s lips, taking them hungrily in his own.

 

Victor sat up, straddling Yuuri’s hips. Somehow he made the act of taking his shirt off graceful, and Yuuri made sure he was aware of this fact. “God. How are you even real. You’re just so… beautiful and handsome.” He continued rambling as Victor pulled Yuuri’s shirt off. “How do you even do that? I don’t know. But you do.” 

 

Victor stopped his rambling by putting a finger to his lips. “Hush now. I have a job to do.” His eyes were twinkling with mischief as he took his finger away.

 

Yuuri looked down at him fondly, but still blushing with a bit of embarrassment. He still couldn’t believe this beautiful, ethereal man was his. That he was slowly working his way down his body. But he still wanted to make it light. “Oh yeah? What kind of job?”   
  
With a smile in his eyes, Victor leaned down over his still clothed crotch, puckered his lips, and blew.

 

His face flushed fully at the implication. “O-oh. Okay. Yeah. Th-that sounds good.” Yuuri stumbled as Victor busied himself with Yuuri’s pyjama bottoms. He tapped Yuuri’s hips with his thumb to ask him to lift them. Yuuri followed the unspoken instructions readily.

 

His half hard cock twitched in attention as it was pulled free from the clothes that contained it. He heard Victor gasp a bit now that he was completely bare. Yuuri followed his gaze to see where he was looking. 

 

Oh.

 

He’d almost forgotten about how prominent his scars were “I-I’m sorry.” He found himself apologising almost immediately. “I understand if you don’t want to- Wait. What are you doing?”

 

Instead of backing away in disgust, like Yuuri thought he would, Victor bent down and started peppering light kisses on each and every one. With each kiss, he felt his heart constrict. His scars were ugly. They showed how weak he was. How could Victor even look at them without gagging? Goodness knows he couldn’t. But instead here is his sweet, sweet Vitya, worshiping his body scars and all. But still, he had to ask, “Why, Vitya?

 

“Because,” he said between kisses. “All of these are marks of battles you’ve fought and won. You struggled for so long. I just wish I could have been there sooner to help kiss these away. But I don’t mind making up for lost time.”

 

Yuuri ran his fingers through Victor’s hair, causing him to look up. He smiled down at him as he laid his head on his thigh. “Thank you. For making me feel loved.”

 

“You don’t have to ask what comes naturally,” he whispered before going back to the matter at hand.

 

He continued worshiping his hips and his thighs. He made sure each side received equal attention. His lips brushing every bit of skin they possibly could. His tongue darting out occasionally to give kitten licks to his scars and old stretch marks. Each little burst of wetness was a welcome surprise, causing Yuuri to gasp and tremble under his gentle ministrations. All of the teasing only caused all of the blood to rush to his groin. 

 

Finally, Victor reached his cock. It was angry and red with want as it lay against his stomach, neglected by Victor’s ever searching mouth. Yuuri moaned as Victor nuzzled his nose in his neatly trimmed pubic hair. The soft touches set his frayed nerves on fire. He kissed up the shaft before he reached the head, wrapping his lips around it and sucked lightly.

 

Yuuri bit his knuckles, stifling the moan in vain. He hadn’t felt something like this in so long; his longest standing partner was his hand. 

 

Victor moved his head down slowly; hollowing his cheeks as he went. Yuuri felt each and every ridge from the roof of his mouth smooth over his cock. The firmness of the hard palate paired with the soft flexibility of his tongue sent individual sparks up his spine. “Ah-ahh!” He gasped as Victor started to flex his tongue against the heaviness that rested in his mouth.

 

But Victor must have overestimated his gag reflex. When the head reached the back of his throat, it contracted in an attempt to reject it. Even so, he made no motion to remove the offending cock. Instead, he stayed there and let his throat pulse around it as he got used to the intrusion.

 

The feeling put Yuuri in heaven. The sight itself was enough to bring him to the edge and with a deep moan he curled his toes into the sheets, as if the motion would push him over. “I’m close, Vitya,” he breathed, barely able to make coherent sounds. “Oh god, I’m so close.”

 

Victor moved his head off a bit, but still kept Yuuri’s dick in his mouth. With one final, hard suck Yuuri came tumbling over the edge. Every muscle in his body tensed as he rode out his climax. He screwed his eyes shut, seeing flashes of white as each pulse left his body. His mouth open in a silent cry. Years of Japanese upbringing had taught him to be quiet and courteous in all things, including sex. 

 

When he finally came down he was a panting mess. He felt Victor remove his mouth from the softening dick. He heard laboured breathing as Victor struggled to gain his bearings from the blowjob. Yuuri wanted to make a move to reciprocate, but he was too blissed out. He just had the hardest orgasm he’d had in years.

 

When he felt Victor move again he struggled to lift his head and look at his love. The silver haired man was curling into Yuuri’s hip and absentmindedly nuzzling there. Yuuri reached a hand down to pet his head in appreciation. “That. Was… wow.” Yuuri petered off with a breathy chuckle. His brain was too fried to even think of giving a proper response.

 

“Mmmm,” Victor replied, continuing his comforting nuzzling.

 

After a few moments curled together, Yuuri moved to sit up, only to have Victor give a disgruntled whine in response. “What?” Yuuri asked with a light chuckle. Victor sounded like a petulant child, which he actually thought was kind of adorable in this context. “I’m just trying to reciprocate. I’m pretty sure I can’t reach your dick if my mouth is all the way up here.”

 

Victor turned his face into the sheets and mumbled incoherently. Yuuri put a hand on Victor’s back to get his attention. “Love, if you want me to understand you, you’re going to take your face out of the sheets.”

 

He turned his face away from Yuuri before saying, “It’s okay.”

 

“What’s okay?” But Yuuri’s eyes traveled down towards Victor’s crotch. His hips were turned perfectly to reveal a dark, wet patch on the sheets and on the front of his light grey sweats. “Oh.”

 

Victor flopped over, away from Yuuri, in an attempt to hide his early shame. “Don’t just ‘oh’ me!” He cried, covering his face with his arms. “It’s embarrassing! I just came like a teenager!”

 

Yuuri couldn’t help but smile. “I think it’s cute!”

 

“But I’m not supposed to be cute!” He huffed, throwing his arms at his sides. “I’m supposed to be sexy! Enticing!”

 

Yuuri crawled over to his now exposed boyfriend. His hips swaying with the seductive motion. “Oh yeah? And who says you can’t be cute and sexy at the same time?” He swung his leg over Victor so he was pinned down by the cage of his body. “I for one think that your cute is very,  _ very _ sexy.” 

 

Victor’s face turned a delicious shade of pink at his words. Yuuri wanted to taste it. Wanted to feel the warmth which that gentle blush brought to the surface of his skin. He turned to his mouth. His lips red and debauched from giving a blowjob. Yuuri captured the lips in his own, tasting himself on Victor’s tongue.

 

They were melting into each other again, trading breaths and trading tongues. Yuuri fisted his hands into Victor’s hair and-

 

BANG

 

The sound of the front door slamming open echoed through the apartment. The noise caused them to clack their teeth together painfully. They cursed at the sound as Phichit’s voice rang through the apartment. “Alright love birds! I’ve got tacos! So you two better stop sucking face and come eat or I’m giving them all to Vicchan; and no, I don’t mean you Victor.”

 

They couldn’t help but laugh at the whole situation. Yuuri felt like he had just been caught by his parents, like a teenager. But, with all that he went through yesterday, he was just happy he felt, well, happy.

 

He also knew that Phichit wasn’t known to make empty threats. “Come on. We have to get up,” he grunted as he rolled off of Victor. “He really will feed my dog all of the tacos. And I don’t feel like cleaning up dog puke all day.”

 

“I don’t blame you. But I can’t go out there looking like this!” Victor gestured emphatically at his crotch that had been darkened by his early excitement. Yuuri stared at the patch and imagined what was waiting underneath. The soft cock waiting for him to-

 

He blushed and averted his gaze as soon as he realized what he’d been doing. He scratched the back of his head awkwardly as he turned toward his dresser. After digging around for a moment he procured a pair of black sweats. “Here,” he said, tossing the garment at Victor. “They’ll probably be a bit short on you though.”

 

“Anything’s better than cum soaked ones, though.” Victor quickly shed the soiled pants and underwear before putting on the clean pair. Although they were a bit short, they went to join Phichit once they were both fully dressed and somewhat decent.

 

Phichit was sitting at the table shoving a taco in his mouth when they both emerged from the bedroom. “Sooooo,” he said in a sing-song voice around the food. “What were you two up to while I was gone?”

 

Yuuri smacked him upside the head. “Knock it off Peach. I’m a full grown adult. Plus, I’m older than you.”

 

“Doesn’t matter! We’re still brothers!”

 

Yuuri snached his taco away from him as punishment. Phichit chased him around the apartment for a while until Yuuri tripped over the coffee table. But hey, at least Vicchan got a taco out of the deal.

  
They spent the rest of the day watching movies and eating things that were  _ definitely _ not good for them. Even so, that day was worlds better than the one before. Sure, Yuuri had to face his psychiatrist tomorrow. And sure, they still had to deal with all of Victor’s problems. But Yuuri couldn’t find it in himself to mind. For the moment he was happy, and, sometimes, that’s all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so summary of the chapter: Victor comes over to Yuuri's apartment. Yuuri tells him how he started hurting himself and of his past suicide attempts. Victor comforts him and let's him know he's not going anywhere. They make out and Victor gives Yuuri a blowjob.
> 
> SO THIS ONE WAS LONG HUH???? Seriously. My longest chapter ever. I'm going to try and pull out things of a similar length in the future. That being said, I might have to switch to every other week for posting just to get the quality content out there. I would rather take time and give you guys quality content than rush through and post every week. I hope you guys will understand!
> 
> (And for those who are interested, I decided I'm going to the university in chicago! Yaayyy grad school! It's fine, I'll be in debt til I die!!)
> 
> Next time: Yuuri faces his doctor and Victor finds a way to start getting better.


	11. Moving Forward

Later that evening Yuuri sent Phichit home with the promise that he wouldn’t be alone until his appointment the next morning; it’s not like Victor could get back to his apartment without struggle. Phichit agreed to let them have some more “alone time” as he so lovingly suggested with a wink. 

Now that they were alone, he found Victor thoroughly examining his apartment. He was wandering around with a look of suppressed awe; his fingers running across the new surfaces with a light touch. Yuuri smiled at his simple display of innocence. “Our apartments have the same layout you know. Just mirrored.”

Victor pulled himself out of the trance he’d worked himself into and looked at Yuuri, blush painted across his cheeks. He began to nervously fiddle with his hands in front of himself. “I-I’m sorry. I just…” He faded out, not able to explain himself fully.

Yuuri walked up to him and pulled his hands apart and threaded their fingers together. He brought Victor’s hand up to his mouth and placed a kiss on his smooth knuckles and gave him the most reassuring smile he could muster. “Don’t apologize. I get it. It’s a new place,” he let out a soft chuckle as he squeezed Victor’s hands. “Hell, it’s the first place you’ve seen that wasn’t your apartment in three years. You have every right to be a little awe struck.”

“How is it that you always know what to say?” Victor leaned in and gave him a peck on his nose. 

Yuuri shrugged, turning back to the kitchenette. “Like I said: therapy. And lots of it.”

The rest of their evening was very relaxed. They munched a bit on the leftovers they had acquired over the weekend and caught up on some Netflix. They were in the middle of an episode of Terrace House when Victor started to shift uncomfortably in Yuuri’s arms. He looked down at the younger man with concern. “Everything okay Vitya?”

Victor stopped shifting and looked up at Yuuri. He opened his mouth for a moment, but closed it as he changed his mind. Yuuri sat up a bit, dislodging Victor in the process, and paused the show. He separated himself from Victor, giving him space if that was what he needed. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

Victor nodded, but didn’t meet his gaze. Instead he concentrated on the short hem of Yuuri’s sweats that he borrowed earlier. Yuuri waited, knowing that he probably just needed a little time. 

Sure enough, after a few more moments, Victor looked up and began to speak. “I want to get better.” The words were so raw and bare and searching. His face painted with a tentative hopefulness. 

Yuuri smiled and kissed the top of his beautifully shiny forehead, that was most definitely not growing wider, despite Victor’s worries. “Okay. How can I help.”

Victor sat up fully and turned to face Yuuri, sitting cross legged like a little huffy pretzel. Yuuri knew they were talking about serious stuff, but the look on his face when he got frustrated created the cutest little scrunch in his nose and furrow in his brow. He internally scolded himself to focus back on the actual problems, not on how cute his boyfriend was.

Victor hugged his knees and began fluttering them in his arms. “I just have no clue where to start. No one in my family has ever had to go through anything like this, so I am just completely lost.”

Yuuri nodded to show he was listening before he responded. “I mean, I think therapy is as good a place to start as any. They can help you find a direction and give you tools to help you take control of your life again.”

“Ugh but there’s a big problem with that!” Victor gave a frustrated cry as he flipped his position so that his head was now in Yuuri’s lap. “I can’t leave my apartment. Just coming here, across the hall, gave me a bad panic attack. How do you expect me to just waltz on out there and see a therapist?”

Yuuri began to run his fingers through Victor’s hair, as he always did when he was like this. “There are therapists out there who specialize in agoraphobia or other severe anxiety disorders, who are willing to do sessions over the phone or on skype. They want to help you in any way they can.” He saw Victor relax as his skilled fingers massaged his scalp and his logic picked away at his anxious shell. But he could tell that there was still something bothering him. “I could ask my therapist for a list of references for you when I see her tomorrow. Would that help?”

The rest of the tension melted out of Victor. “That would be amazing. Thank you.” Now that Victor was more relaxed, they went back to their netflix and enjoyed the rest of their quiet night in.

***

The next morning Yuuri helped Victor return to his apartment with a bit of struggle. Luckily Victor had given him a key in case of emergencies because in his rush to leave his apartment, he had locked himself out. He almost won the argument of just staying at Yuuri’s place, but Yuuri knew he needed to be in his own space to feel safe.

Once Victor was safe in his apartment, Yuuri took care of Vicchan’s needs before heading off to his appointment with his counselor. He’d contacted Ciao Ciao yesterday to let him know what was going on, so he didn’t have to worry about that. 

He was actually pretty lucky. Celestino Publishing was known for having a liberal view when it came to mental health and work; so when Yuuri told his boss that he had a history with mental illness, Ciao Ciao made sure he had allocated mental health sick days in addition to his normal ones. 

But as he was letting his dog do his business, he couldn’t help but still feel guilty for taking the time off. He hadn’t taken off many days in the past and this was his first mental health sick day he was taking, but he knew that this was a busy season for them. He felt his anxiety start to grip his stomach at the thought of all the extra work he was putting on his co-workers because he was just so mentally weak. 

He was pulled from his negative spiral as Vicchan wrapped his way around his legs. “Oh, wait! Vicchan!” He half heartedly scolded his dog. But it was too late. He toppled over like the great giant as he tried to untangle himself. His tiny dog thought they were playing now and bounced on top of Yuuri and covered him with doggy kisses. He laughed hard as his dog effortlessly lifted his mood. “God I love dogs,” he cooed to Vicchan as he placed his own kisses all over his pooch’s face.

Once he was free from his dog’s sinister clutches, he finally headed down to the subway for his appointment. Like the majority of the past two days, Yuuri was a mess on the inside. Logically, he knew he desperately needed this appointment. His anxiety was like a scab; it would be almost healed over, but just one good scratch and it was bleeding again. 

The train ride was too short. He needed more time to stew before he had to lay everything bare for his therapist. But then again, he knew if he stewed for any longer he would probably work himself into another panic attack.

He checked himself in, sat in the lobby and tried not to look other patients in the eye. He picked up a magazine in false interest; anything to stop him from making unwanted eye contact with the people around him. For a fleeting moment he wondered how Victor would feel in his situation. He wouldn’t be able to handle it. There were too many variables in this room that would send his boyfriend in a panic.

Just as he felt his heart tighten with sympathetic anxiety, his name was called. He let out the breath that was caught in his chest as he followed his therapist back to her office.

Past the pretense of sitting properly, Yuuri sat cross legged on the cushy loveseat once he was in her office. The lighting was a soft yellow, the walls covered in interior decoration pieces from Pier 1 Imports; all in all a very homey feel. There was a glass of water sitting on the coffee table in front of him, already glistening with condensation. But the thought of ingesting anything at the moment caused his stomach to turn. He reached for a throw pillow instead.

Dr. Young sat in the chair across from him and picked up her legal pad. She took a sip of her coffee before getting started. “So? How was your weekend?”

Yuuri couldn’t help the snort that left his nose. “I mean, I’m here right? So pretty bad.”

“I would disagree.” She shook her head a little as she peered over the rims of her glasses. “You’re here. So that means you didn’t hurt yourself or become suicidal. That’s a win in my book.”

He scoffed under his breath. Deep down he knew he was being unreasonable, but sometimes his anxiety made an ass of him. “Yeah a win. I was barely able to function as a normal human being. Big, big win.”

Dr. Young shook her head at him, a look of sadness on her face. “Yuuri. You know that’s not true.”

“But I should be over this! I’ve been in therapy for how long? I’ve been clean for how long?” Now he was angry. Angry at her for not understanding. Angry at himself for being this way. Angry at the universe for the forces that caused this breakdown to happen in the first place. “It’s not fair. It’s not fair that my brain is so broken.”

“Why is it broken?”

“Because!” He shouted, standing up from where he was curled up on the couch. His frustration couldn’t be contained any longer. “I can’t have one stressful interaction without hurting myself!”

“Okay. And what’s wrong with being broken?”

“That means things don’t work.”

“And what can we do with things that are broken?”

That made him stop. He thought for a second. He knew what she wanted him to say, but he still responded with, “We chuck them in the trash…”

“Yuuri” 

“Ugh. I know.” He sunk back down on the couch, hugging the throw pillow as if it contained all of his frustration. “We can fix them.”

“Exactly.” She finally smiled at him. “You know, my son builds computers. He is a part of the entire process. He picks all of the parts, puts them in place until it works perfectly. His computers work better than the ones you can buy in the store. And even then, they still break. Does he chuck the whole computer just because one part broke?”

“No…”

“Exactly. He spent so long building it; he wouldn’t just throw all of that hard work away.” She put down her pad for a moment so that he knew she had his undivided attention. “And you can’t throw away all of your hard work either. Even the best built things can break, but that doesn’t mean we can’t fix them.”

Yuuri just sat there in silence. She was right. He knew she was; that’s why he saw her in the first place.

“So,” she broke into his thoughts. “Are we ready to start fixing things?”

He gripped the pillow tighter and nodded. He took a drink of water before starting. “This weekend?”

“That would be as good a place to start as any. What caused the attack this weekend.”

Yuuri recounted every step of his breakdown on Saturday. The fight, his panic attack, the cutting; all of it. She would interrupt occasionally, trying to get a better grasp on his mindset, but mostly she just listened. When he was done they still had a few minutes left of their session. Dr. Young stared at her legal pad for a moment before looking back at him. “So tell me about Victor. What’s he like?”

Yuuri’s shoulders relaxed. Talking about Victor was easy. “He’s great,” he sighed, a dreamy look on his face. “He’s very sweet. A bit of a dork. And he gets excited about the littlest things; it’s absolutely adorable.”

She gave a small hum. “But there’s something about him that’s holding you back?”

Damn she’s good. Yuuri looked down at the pillow he was still holding and started to fiddle with the corners. “He… I know I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure he has a severe case of agoraphobia. He hasn’t left his apartment in three years.”

“And how has this affected you?”

“He’s my boyfriend. And my friend. I’m worried about him, of course. He’s dying slowly, just wasting away in that apartment. I want to help him, but I just don’t know how.” Yuuri ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “He’s finally agreed that he needs help, but he can barely leave the apartment.”

“I could send you home with a list of referrals for him, would that help?” She asked, rolling over to her computer.

“I was going to ask you for that actually.”

He finished his appointment with another set up next week and a list of referrals for Victor in hand. Feeling a little lighter, he headed back to the apartment to help Victor make his first step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one is a little short, but I wanted you guys to have a chapter today.
> 
> Not much to say at the end of this one, to be honest!
> 
> Next time: Victor's first appointment!


	12. Square One

  


The door clicking shut behind Victor seemed to echo through the apartment. He knew it didn’t really, but something about the door shutting this time made him feel like he was just shutting the gate to a cage. He turned back towards the door and placed a shaking hand against the cold, hard surface. He was so torn. On the one hand, he wanted to get out of this apartment forever. What had once represented his comfort now seemed like a mocking prison to which he held the keys. On the other, he was still so fucking terrified. Countless terrible things could happen outside. He couldn’t even begin to think about it. He was lucky that nothing bad happened when he ran out yesterday.

  


And he was so close. He went out there. Yes, he might have had to pump himself up for a good half hour before running the five feet that stood between their doors, but it was progress. So why didn’t it feel that way?

  


That was an easy answer.

  


He was  _ still _ here. He was  _ still  _ stuck behind that door. And he had no clue if he could go out again. Yesterday was most likely a fluke. He couldn’t do it again. Just thinking about the anxiety he felt yesterday made his heart rate rise.

  


Victor took a deep breath to center himself. Yesterday was yesterday. And today he needed to get himself together for when Yuuri returned from his emergency appointment. That meant cleaning up the aftermath of his breakdown from two days ago.

  


_ Two days ago.  _ Two days ago when he fucked up in the worst possible way. When he foolishly insulted his boyfriend with such insensitivity that he was surprised he still  _ had _ a boyfriend. “Fuck,” he breathed out, chest stuttering with suppressed sobs. 

  


_ No.  _ He couldn’t feel sorry for himself now. In fact, he shouldn’t feel sorry for himself at all. They had an argument. They made up. Yes, he made a mistake, but he would grow and he would learn. 

  


Taking a steadying breath, he finally turned to face the rest of his apartment. It wasn’t… terrible. But it wasn’t good either. Their dishes from breakfast were still there. While the tv was off, he could hear the whirring of the PlayStation in the background. All of the blankets were strewn about, some of them soiled with spilled juice from when he fell over. The fairy lights still on.

  


It wasn’t much, but he needed the clean slate. 

  


He had fallen into an almost trance-like state; cleaning everything vigorously. There needed to be no sign of the conflict that happened before. It needed to be clean. Clean.  _ Clean. _

  


The spell was broken by the ping of his phone. He stopped for a moment and took in his surroundings. Realizing he had no clue what he had been doing for the past hour, he dropped the towel he was cleaning with and picked up his phone with trembling hands.

  


**From: Yuuri <3**

  


_ Just got out of my appt. What are you in the mood for? _

  


Victor smiled at his phone. Only Yuuri would get right out of a doctor’s appointment and immediately try to take care of him.

  


**To: Yuuri <3**

  


_ Hmmm I could do with a nice helping of some Yuuri cuddles right about now <3 <3 <3 _

  


It wasn’t even thirty seconds before he received a reply.

  


**From: Yuuri <3**

  


_ Flatterer. _

  


_ But seriously. I was thinking of that Indian place? We haven’t had curry in a while. _

  


**To: Yuuri <3**

  


_ Ooo yessss curry! Can you get me the sweet coconut one? _

  


**From: Yuuri <3**

  


_ Of course.  _

  


_ Did you want me to come over or did you want to do my place? _

  


Victor stopped. He knew there was no judgment but he didn’t want to disappoint Yuuri. He could do that. He could go back. Leave the apartment….. Leave… the…...

  


But still, it was too much too soon. He couldn’t leave he just made it back in. Besides, so much could go wrong and he could be hurt or Yuuri could be hurt or-

  


His downward spiral was stopped by the chiming of his phone.

  


**From: Yuuri <3**

  


_ I’m sorry Vitya, that was insensitive of me. Of course we’ll do your place. You already took such a big step and that’s amazing. Let me meet you where you are. I’ll be by soon <3 _

  


Victor let out a sigh of relief. Yuuri was too good to him.

  


**To: Yuuri <3**

  


_ You are the best a guy could ask for <3 _

  


But after his manic cleaning spree, he couldn’t help but feel just so dirty. Looking at the clock he figured there was enough time for a quick shower before Yuuri returned with lunch. 

  


His timing couldn’t be better. He was just finishing drying his hair when he heard the door open, meaning Yuuri was home with lunch.

  


“Oh, Vitya!” Yuuri gasped as he set out their curry. “You cleaned up the apartment. It looks nice!” 

  


Victor walked into the Kitchen and wrapped himself around Yuuri’s torso, nuzzling his face into the crook of Yuuri’s neck. He mumbled a muffled thanks from where he stood. “I kinda went overboard. But I’m just glad it’s done now.”

  


“Not too overboard. You’re perfectly fine.” Victor felt him place a kiss on his head. “What do you say we break into this curry?” Before Victor could reply, his stomach decided to rumble in response. The laugh that left Yuuri sparkled through the room, filling it with true joy for the first time since the incident.  “I’ll take that as a yes!”

  


“I think I forgot to eat breakfast,” he grumbled as he grabbed plates. They settled into a comfortable silence as they ate. When Yuuri first started coming over, Victor felt like he had to fill every void with noise. He’d been living in silence for so long that he couldn’t stand one more minute of silence. But after a while, he began to appreciate the comfort that comes with sitting in companionable silence. No pressure to entertain. No judgment. Just two humans coexisting in the same space because they loved each other’s company.

  


Even though he appreciated silence now, he was the first one to break it. “So, how did the appointment go?”

  


Yuuri finished chewing his bite of food quickly before answering. “It went well. I have another appointment next week.” He nodded with a smile and turned back to his food. But before he took his next bite, he took his fork and pointed it at Victor for emphasis. “Oh! Speaking of, I have a list of therapists that we can cross-reference with your insurance to see if they’re covered. Then we can get you set up with an appointment.”

  


“Sounds good. Thank you.” While Victor was truly, truly grateful for everything Yuuri has done for him, he couldn’t help the hesitation that bled into his voice. He needed this. He knew. He wanted this. He knew. But he still felt the pit of fear settle in his stomach.

  


Before he could spiral into another anxiety episode Yuuri reached out and took Victor’s free hand in both of his own. “Vitya, It’s going to be okay. I’ll walk you through it and I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

  


Victor let out a frustrated sigh. “You shouldn’t have to. I should be able to do this by myself. Just like I should be able to walk out of my apartment.”

  


“Hey, it’s not about what you ‘should’ be able to do. Would you tell someone with asthma that their lungs just ‘should’ work without medicine? No. There is nothing wrong with needing help.” Yuuri was calm and collected as he replied, even though Victor knew that this was all going down a sensitive path. It was eerily close to the conversation they had two days prior. But this time Victor wasn’t going to stick his foot in his mouth.

  


He was going to accept the help for what it was. One person caring for him deeply.

  


Victor took a calming breath before squaring his shoulders and looking Yuuri straight in the eye. “Okay. Yes. How do we start.”

  


A smile grew slowly on Yuuri’s face. His eyes sparkled with hopeful determination. “That’s more like it.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  


Finding the right therapist, as it turned out, sucked. 

  


As a freelance lyricist and ex-rock star, Victor wasn’t low on funds. But his insurance plan wasn’t the best it could be. Over half of the therapists they called didn’t take his insurance (even though his insurance said they did). And most of the half that  _ did _ take his insurance wasn’t taking new clients. Even still, some of the ones that  **_were_ ** taking new clients refused to do video sessions. They required an in-office intake appointment. Victor wasn’t too keen on doing this in the first place, and all of this just made it seem even less appealing.

  


_ Finally _ , after what seemed like hours of frustrating phone calls, they found one who was covered by his insurance, was taking new clients  **_and_ ** was happy to do video sessions.

  


Her name was Laura and she specialized in anxiety disorders and phobias, specifically agoraphobia. She understood the necessity to start out with these video sessions. It 

was perfect.

  


\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  


The week leading up to the first appointment was rough. Victor tried to find every excuse he could to cancel it. His video software probably wasn’t compatible with the fancy medical skype they had to use. (It was). He forgot to pay his wifi bill. (He didn’t). He felt too sick to do it. (Probably true, but not a good enough excuse).

  


Yuuri, bless his soul, was always there to assuage his fears. He was usually at Victor’s apartment and when he wasn’t he would promptly answer his texts. A part of him knew this kind of behavior wasn’t healthy, but then again isn’t that what therapy was for?

  


Regardless of his vehement protests, the day still came for him to have his first appointment. The morning of, Victor woke up to a mouth full of Yuuri’s hair from where the older man was snuggled in his arms. He was actually surprised he ever fell asleep. It took a few hours for Yuuri to calm his anxious worrying so that they could both go to sleep.

  


Maybe if he kept absolutely still Yuuri wouldn’t wake up and he could skip the appointment. But then again, Yuuri had his alarm set, so that wouldn’t happen. Victor was just about to see if he could shift to turn it off without waking the sleeping beauty when the alarm in question let out its shrill ringing.

  


Yuuri groaned before rolling over to turn off the offending noise. Turning back to face Victor, he gave a sleepy smile before nuzzling back into the warmth of his chest. “G’morning,” he mumbled.

  


Victor gave a non-committal hum in response. No matter what Yuuri said, Victor couldn’t feel like it was a good morning. He couldn’t tell if he was nauseous from his poor sleep, his nerves, or a terrible mixture of both. Logically he knew his fears were irrational. But then again, weren't his irrational fears the reason that he was doing this in the first place?

  


“I know, Vitya. I know.” Yuuri wrapped his arms tighter around Victor’s middle in comfort. “The first appointment is always the hardest. But I’ll be there with you for the start, and I’ll be right back after you’re done.”

  


Victor released a shaky sigh, overtaken by his nerves. How was it that Yuuri could always read his mind? “I know that, technically. It’s a lot harder to tell my anxiety that though.”

  


“I get it.” Yuuri nodded before getting up with a groan. He held out a hand for Victor to take. “Come on. Let’s make breakfast.”

  


They fell into their normal morning routine. It was a perfectly balanced dance. Victor cooked at the stove while Yuuri made the coffee and set the table. They ate, made small talk, then moved the dance to the bathroom. They playfully fought over the sink while brushing their teeth before they had a nice and relaxing shower together. 

  


Before he knew it the appointment time had arrived. Yuuri set the connection up and perched next to Victor for a moment; just long enough to make sure Victor was comfortable, then he would go back to his place to give Victor the privacy necessary for the appointment.

  


Prior to the appointment, Laura assured them this arrangement was fine for the first time, just to get Victor settled. Apparently, she was used to strange appointment requests due to the nature of her specialty. 

  


After a few moments of tense silence, the skype window rang to life with Laura’s profile popping up as the ID. Taking one last steadying breath, Victor reached out his hand to accept the call.

  


Right.

  


He could do this.

  


Call answered.

  


A pleasant looking middle-aged woman filled the screen. Her curly brunet hair barely brushing her shoulders. “Hello, you two! I’m Laura.”

  


Victor wanted to answer, he really did. But something in him froze. He wasn’t ready for this at all. Sensing his hesitation, Yuuri quickly replied for both of them, placing a comforting hand on Victor’s knee. “Hi Laura, I’m Yuuri. And this is Victor.”

  


“It’s nice to finally put some faces to the names. Victor, do you feel comfortable to allow this session to go on in private? Or do you want Yuuri here?” The look she gave him was pleasantly neutral. Letting him know she wouldn’t be upset with his answer. But he knew the point of this whole thing was for him to do this by himself. To take control of his own life.

  


So, with a shaky breath in, he took that first step. “I… I think I want to do this by myself.”

  


She gave him a short nod and a small smile. “Okay, we can do that. But if at any time you need Yuuri to be there with you, feel free to contact him and bring him over. Or, if needed I can use his preferred contact information and call him over here myself. I have you listed as his emergency contact.” Yuuri looked slightly taken aback by this information, but quickly composed himself as Laura continued. “Is the phone number we have on file the best one to call you at?”

  


“Yes.”

  


She made a note on the corner of the notebook she was using before giving Yuuri a final smile. “Great! Well, Yuuri, It’s been nice meeting you.”

  


“You as well,” he bowed shallowly at the head out of nervous habit and giving Victor a hug. Before he pulled away he whispered in his ear some much-needed encouragement. “You’ve got this Vitya.” 

  


And with that they were alone. Just Victor and this stranger he was supposed to tell all of his deepest darkest secrets to. Simple right?

  


Never in his life.

  


Before he could panic too much, Laura jumped right into their session. “Okay! I wanted to go over a few things here before we begin. This is a secure medical skype line. Nothing said here will be recorded in any way, shape, or form and everything we talk about will be kept confidential between you and me. The only time I would share anything we talk about would be with your permission or in the event that you are in danger of hurting yourself or others.”

  


He was quick to protest. “I wouldn’t hurt anyone though. I’ve never wanted- never.” He could feel himself panicking in self-defense. He was cut off by his own shallowing breathing.

  


Laura quickly moved to soothe him. “It’s okay Victor. I’m not saying you will or you won’t. I’m just laying all the cards out on the table so that you know everything that’s going on.”

  


“Oh… Sorry. I just- I’ve never done this before.”

  


“And that’s perfectly okay. It’s great that you’re taking this step. The first appointment is always the hardest.”

  


Victor chuckled weakly in response. He could almost hear Yuuri’s soothing voice in his ear. “That’s what Yuuri said.”

  


“He seems like a good friend to you. Is he part of your support system?” She asked with a neutral smile.

  


“Kind of? I mean, at the moment he’s my entire support system. Which I know isn’t fair to either of us.”

  


“Is that something you’d like to work on?” Victor nodded in confirmation and she made another note for herself. “Finding a support system beyond Yuuri.”

  


Victor cut her off before she could write too much. “But more importantly, being able to do it by myself.”

  


She stopped writing and nodded hesitantly. “We always need others to lean on. That’s just human nature. But we can work on coping techniques to help you become more independent.” While a bit confused, he figured she knew best, so he simply nodded in agreement. “What are some other goals you’d like to work on together.”

  


He thought for a moment. He didn’t really know where to start. There were so many… just everything. Deciding to go with the route of his problem, he answered. “I’d like to stop having panic attacks. And for my anxiety to just… go away.” As if to prove his point, he began fiddling with his sleeves out of nervous habit.

  


“How often do you have these panic attacks?”

  


His fidgeting got worse with her line of questioning. This is what they needed to talk about, but he’d never really talked about his panic attacks in such detail before. “They used to be almost every other day when all of this started. Now they’ve calmed down a bit though. They’re just about once a week? So manageable. But not really ideal.”

  


“I’m glad you feel you’re managing with the panic attacks,” she smiled after he finished his thought. “Going from every other day to once a week is a big improvement. I’d like to see if we can get those down to every so often, rather than weekly though. How’s that sound”

  


He couldn’t help the skeptical scoff that followed her question. “Unrealistic,” he sighed.

  


“Not unrealistic, just not easy. Are you up for the challenge?”

  


Something about that wording sparked something in him. He’d been coasting for too long. Living in his comfortable bubble day in and day out. “I’m up for it,” he replied, nodding with a small smile on his face.

  


“Good. So, right now we have working on coping mechanisms and getting your anxiety and panic attacks to a more manageable level. Anything else come to mind?” She raised a finely sculpted eyebrow.

  


Another sigh passed his lips. He knew what she was looking for. Hell, it’s the reason they’re doing this remotely to begin with. But there was something about actually coming out and saying it that made his…  _ affliction _ seem more real. Especially to a person who is essentially a stranger. He had to do it though. “I… I want to be able to… to go outside again?” He phrased it as a question. Somehow making it a question made it feel safer. Like he could still just stay here safe at the end of the day.

  


He looked at her expecting to see a look of judgment. Well, maybe not judgment, but some sort of apathy. Instead, she looked… appreciative? “Thank you for sharing that with me, Victor. That must be hard for you to talk about.”

  


He shrugged, looking down at his hands that were still playing with his sleeves. “I mean… kind of? It’s just. It didn’t feel like anything was wrong with me. I was happy. Living content every day to just do as I please. My apartment is safe.”

  


“Safe from what?”

  


There was a pause of total silence before he answered. It was such a weighted question. One he didn’t feel like answering in detail. So, he decided to generalize instead. “From everything.”

  


“Is that what you’re afraid of?” No judgment was in her voice, only a soft concern as she gently prodded him for more.

  


“Maybe? I don’t know. It’s a lot.”

  


“That’s okay,” she whispered. And he could tell she truly meant it. “We don’t need to talk about it today if you don’t want to. Today is just an intake meeting to see where you are, where you’d like to go, and how we’re gonna get there.”

  


“Sounds easy enough.”

  


“Exactly. And I think we have a pretty good list to start out with for today.” She finally set her notebook aside and looked straight at the computer screen. “I do have a couple more questions before we finish though.”

  


He nodded, prompting her to continue. “After our talk today, I think I’d like us to meet twice a week. We can do it just like this.”

  


Victor balked at the suggestion. “Twice? But Yuuri only goes once a week. Isn’t that a lot?”

  


She took his floundering with practiced grace. Never once looking exasperated with his shock and obvious displeasure. “Actually a lot of successful treatment plans start out with two meetings a week. Then as we see you’ve progressed, we can try doing once a week. Fair?”

  


“Fair,” he mumbled after a short pause. He wasn’t happy with it, but he knew he needed to cooperate if he wanted to get better.

  


“Great. I’ll email you right after this so we can set up our time slots.” He heard the clack of her keyboard as she typed up a memo for herself (or so he assumed). Once she was done typing she sat back, this time with a more reserved look on her face. He knew by that look that he probably wouldn’t like the next thing she said. “Next question. How open are you to  the idea of medical psychotherapy?”

  


“Medical psychotherapy?”

  


She nodded. “Taking medication to assist in your recovery and, ultimately,  improve your quality of life.”

  


That was… unexpected to say the least. “I… Do I need it?”

  


“Honestly?” She asked rhetorically. She ran a hand through her hair before continuing. “I think it would help you a lot. From the sounds of it, you’ve been in a state of high anxiety for an extended period of time. Not only is that bad for you mentally, but it can also be taxing on you physically. Normally, I would suggest an inpatient stay for us to get your medication figured out.”

  


His breath started to pick up at the suggestion. It wasn’t that he was afraid of hospitals. They served their intended purpose well. But going to a hospital meant just that;  _ going to a hospital.  _  Leaving his house. She was asking too much.

  


And he was about to tell her just as much. But before he could, she raised a calming hand up in front of her. “But, I know that because of your agoraphobia, that kind of treatment would do you more harm than good.”

  


He couldn’t help it as his shoulders sagged. He knew he needed a lot of help… but medication? “You think I’m that bad,” he said almost imperceptibly. Not looking at the screen anymore, preferring to look at his hands instead.

  


“Not bad. You just need an extra push,” she whispered in a comforting voice.

  


There was a moment of silence as he debated his options. On the one hand, he didn’t want to become dependant on medication. On the other, medication was there to help, and she wouldn’t suggest it if she didn’t think it was necessary. Plus, he knew Yuuri also took medication, and there was nothing wrong with it. 

  


“Okay… I’ll do it.”

  


She nodded, adding to the note on her computer. “Okay. I’m going to give you a referral for a colleague of mine who handles situations similar to yours. You are to contact her  _ And _ I am going to tell her to expect your call. She will tell me if she doesn’t hear from you by the end of the week.”

  


“Duly noted.” 

  


“Alright, Victor. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about before we sign off?”

  


He shook his head. “No, I think I have everything.”

  


“Okay! It was lovely meeting you, Victor. I’ll be in touch.”

  


She waved one last time before disconnecting the call.

  


That was… not as bad as he thought it was going to be. Even so, he was still emotionally exhausted.  He groaned as he realized they hadn’t even dug into why he felt this way. Or into anything really. He had a long way to go.

  


All he wanted now was cuddles with Yuuri and Vicchan. He sent a quick text to Yuuri before curling in on himself on the couch.

  


**To: Yuuri <3**

  


_ Done. _

  


Sure enough, he heard the door unlock a few moments later and was quickly assaulted by a wiggly toy poodle. He smiled as he picked up the small ball of fluff and snuggled him into his chest. He only sat up for a moment for Yuuri to sit so he could curl up on his lap.

  


Yuuri began to run his fingers through Victor’s hair in an effort to soothe him. And if Victor could purr, he would. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Yuuri decided to speak up. “How’d it go?”

  


“Tired,” Victor sighed, too exhausted to elaborate on the subject any further.

  


Yuuri hummed in understanding. “I know what you mean. I always feel exhausted after my sessions.”

  


“There’s a lot,” he ended up mumbling into Yuuri’s lap. 

  


“A lot?”

  


Victor sighed and turned onto his back, letting Vicchan squirm from his grasp. “There’s a lot we have to work on. And-” He cut himself off, not wanting to face the reality of his situation. 

  


Yuuri simply sat there and continued his comforting ministrations. Waiting for Victor to open up.

  


“She wants me to contact a psychiatrist for medication.”

  


For the first time since he sat down, Yuuri stopped petting his hair. He looked carefully at Victor for a moment before asking, “Do you not want to be on it?”

  


“Yes? No?” He groaned in frustration, covering his face with his arms. “Ugh. I don’t know.”

  


“You don’t have to do that you know. If you aren’t comfortable with it, you can always try not being on medication first.”

  


“It’s not that,” he whispered. He didn’t really know what he was feeling. Not really. He only had one concrete feeling and that  was, “I-I think I’m just scared?” He curled back into Yuuri at that confession. Everything was just so much at this point. All he wanted was comfort.

  


Yuuri, thankfully, was more than prompt to oblige. “Oh, Vitya. I know. It will be okay, I’m here.” He felt a kiss on the side of his head before the petting started again. This time not only on his head but down his back as well. 

  


They sat there for a while before Yuuri continued talking. “I remember when I first started taking medicine that it was terrifying. I was worried I wouldn’t be myself anymore.”

  


“What happened?”

  


“What happened is that I found out who I was without anxiety ruling every aspect of my life. And I think I like that person a lot better.” Victor peaked up at Yuuri to see a wistful smile on his face. Yuuri was happy. Medication helped him get there. And… that was okay.

  


Victor winked at him playfully. “Yeah, he’s not too bad.”

  


“Wow, thanks,” Yuuri barked out with a laugh. “But in all seriousness Vitya, I’m so proud of you.” He kissed Victor again, this time on the lips. 

  


It wasn’t anything passionate. Just a soft peck that said ‘I’m here. I love you. It will be okay.’

  


Everything was so uncertain now. He didn’t know how long he would be in therapy. He didn’t know what medication he would be on or how they would react with his system. 

  


He still didn’t know if he could go outside again.

  


But for the first time, all of that uncertainty didn’t seem as though it was shrouded in an anxious cloud. For the first time in a long time, Victor allowed himself to feel something that might just be considered hope.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first off.
> 
> I'M BACK Y'ALL! If only for a moment 

**Author's Note:**

> So in the future I would like to adhere to a posting schedule, but until about mid February I won't be consistent due to grad school auditions. But rest assured this whole fic is planned and I will see it through to the end.
> 
> If at any point my depictions of this disorder are false or offensive, please let me know. I have done research, but as I do not have this condition myself I can only imagine what individuals who suffer from this must be going through. As always I wish to portray this in a realistic and educated light.
> 
> The title is based on the song "I wanna get better" By Bleachers
> 
> Next time we'll get to see a day in the life of Yuuri Katsuki!
> 
> Until then, you can always find me at my tumblr bluetrekskates.tumblr.com


End file.
